Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.
Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.
My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
A warning to people with kidney disease.
Urine trouble.
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish."
A girl killed a butterfly [Slightly NSFW]
Her father became mad and said "No butter for you" Later, the girl killed a honeybee, her father again became mad and said "No honey for you" The girl later killed a cockroach. Her father said "Nice try, this is Alabama" (Sorry, English is not my first language)
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark…
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can’t even say black paint
You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall
You can go from fat to fit
With one good vowel movement
I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
How do you upset a vegan by email?
Send them some spam
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump
But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.
Hmm…Adidas, Reebok, or Puma…What do you guys think?
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
“Life is like a box of chocolates”
“It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
I think my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapon collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
My son asked me what procrastinate meant.
I said I'd tell him later
Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger
The average person has sex 54 times a year…
Tomorrow is gonna be wild!
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
“No idea, they just ransomware.”
Since it started raining my wife just stares sadly through the stupid window …
If it gets any worse, I guess I’ll have to let her in.
The Ultimate Joke:
This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now. A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him. "What would you like for your last meal?" "I would like a banana please." The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released. A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him. "You again? Shit. What do you want this time?" "Two bananas please." The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time. Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time. "Let me guess. Three bananas?" "Actually yes! How did you know?" "Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry." So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. "I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!" "Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."