Harry Potter has way too many characters…
Even J.K. Rolling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on ‘Take your kid to work day’
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
I’m convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything…
…except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, “Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?” Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
A mentor of mine once told me
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.
She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?" "Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you want. Well, today I did it, and they fired me because of it". The wife hurried over to check what damage he caused. "Well it all looks fine, doesn't seem like you hurt yourself. But what happened to the pickle slicer?" The man replied: "they fired her too!"
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old
I'm finally above average for something
A farmer isn’t just good at his job…
He’s out standing in his field. Edit: Wow, my first ever silver! Thanks guys.
I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand…
WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme…
You know why aliens haven’t visited us yet?
They checked our reviews. One star.
If you slap Dwayne Johnson’s ass
You hit rock bottom
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
Proud of my six year old
My four year old fell down and hit her butt on something and started crying. My six year old calls her over so she can “take a look.” She says “Well I think you broke your butt. There’s a crack down the middle.”
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
A farmer asked his dad if he could round up his 36 sheep
“Sure,” said the dad “40.”
The Queen just knighted the first cow in history.
He is Sirloin.
I won my first cage fight last night…
Parrot didn't know what hit it.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.
Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
[NSFW] Why did the eunuch’s wife leave him?
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
Did you hear the one about Oedipus and Midas?
It was motherfucking gold.
Dyslexic jokes about trees are O. A. K.
No text found
Two artists had an art contest. How did it end?
It ended in a draw.
I held the the door open for a clown today
I thought it was a nice jester.