Harry Potter went to his local gym. How did he get to the dumbbell room?
He went through the dumbbell door.
WONKA: Congratulations Charlie! My chocolate empire is yours
CHARLIE: That’s wondrous! WONKA: Now, first thing will be handling this PR crisis. CHARLIE: Wait, wha- WONKA: A lot of kids just died in your factory, Charlie. And there’s a rumor that you apparently own slaves? Edit: credit for this amazing joke https://mobile.twitter.com/WenzlerPowers/status/1181625842885124096?s=20&utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Why can’t you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?
Because it's a Joint effort
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbeelievable
I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night
thanks daylight savings
What genre are national anthems?
Country
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes
I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out
Apparently nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire….
…but Quasimodo has a hunch.
My Uncle Harry died after drinking a bottle of furniture polish
It was a sad end, but a beautiful finish!
A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.
It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service". The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?" The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance? DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son […dies]
The easiest abortion I’ve ever performed was on a stripper.
It was like taking a baby from Candy.
Floppy Disks are like Jesus
They died to become the icon of saving
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
I occasionally enjoy leaning on things.
When I'm so inclined.
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It’s literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I’m sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill? Dead ant… dead ant… dead ant dead ant dead ant… dead ant dead ant….
Three vampires walk into a bar
Bartender asks "What can I get ya?" The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary." Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks." On the third's turn he orders "Hot water." Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?" To which the third vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and answers, "I'm just going to make some tea."
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people,
but none of them work
(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..
What a bunch of sick fucks
I once won a fight that was five against one.
We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
Working out is like a drug to me.
I don’t do drugs.
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
A man found a genie lamp
When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules. Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love. Man: I wish to not die a virgin Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell
I’m reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Dad jokes at the grocery store
I was grocery shopping with my wife and she was picking up holiday hand soap. She asked me which ones I liked. I grabbed two different ones off the shelf and said "let me give you my two scents"
What do you do if your xbox is crying?
You console it.
A Woman Is Out Golfing And Finds A Frog Trapped In The Woods
A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods. When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good. Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
