harsh but accurate
I'm alright, but I think I dyed a little inside.
No text found
The title says it all.
…and a table…and a chair…
Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
..But its definitely worth a shot.
A stroke of genius.
I think I'm going to banner.
Me and my wife stopped talking for weeks after we blamed each other for not defrosting the refrigerator.
Finally, I decided to break the ice.
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
Because Noah was standing on the deck Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
Sometimes he laughs.
The salesgirl shows him several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftain. The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests. If he passes all three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief. "Fair enough," says the man. "Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them." The priest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests. "In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftain's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take no more." The man agrees to the tests and begins the first test. Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut. The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps. He goes into the second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and scratches. He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."
The second man dies. That's why you shouldn't repost.
So they can see the front lines
It is because she has so many fans.
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
I was tired yesterday and I am tired today as well.
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
…I can always count on them!
Livers are important.
They are too "over the top."
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and up on my desk by Friday midnight.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver