hasnt this meme died long time ago arleady??
Woman walks into a gun store.
"It's for my husband" she tells the owner. "Did he tell you what caliber to get"?, the owner asked. "Are you kidding, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him"
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
My wife and I argued about the roof of a building.
I hope it doesn't terrace apart.
I seriously have to stop dropping things.
It’s really been getting out of hand.
All countries eventually got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat.
The psychic convention is cancelled
Due to unforeseen circumstances
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My pronouns are He/Hee
I tried to donate blood today… NEVER AGAIN!
So many questions, Who's blood is that? How did you get it? Was the bucket even sanitized before you filled it with blood.
When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
How do tree nuts usually end their prayers?
They said "Almond."
What’s the difference between your life and a pencil?
The Pencil has a point.
When is the best time to buy a chicken?
When they're going "CHEEP!"
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?” No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
My first Dad joke after becoming a father
Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world! Him: crying Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.
Why did The Rock break up with his girlfriend?
Because she took him for granite.
Why don’t dolphins have legs?
It would de-feet the whole porpoise…
I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were…
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Forgot that boat for my bridge
Forgot that boat for my bridge
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids…
In one ear, out the other.
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
I was about to play cards after a long day’s work, but I found the aces missing.
I just can’t deal with this any more.
I plant my herbs in alphabetical order
You might ask how i find the time It's easy it's right there next to the sage
So there was this Mexican magician..
He said he could make himself disappear by the count of three. He said uno, dos and then POOF he vanished without a tres
Why did the transgender person disappear after they gave birth?
They became transparent.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Two faced
When my daddy first seen me, he said "oh look, he's got my smile". Mom said "That's his backside, turn him over."
My dad always told me I can’t get a wife overnight.
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
I got fired from my job at the glass factory for failing to declare my expenses.
Apparently transparency is very important to them. (I'll let myself out…)
Why didn’t Barbie get pregnant?
Ken came in another box