Hate when that happens
I watched it all unfold.
Because he hated the juice.
i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.
I thought we had good alchemy…
Dad: No, it doesn’t
So now we use lube
Being homeschooled sucks.
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.
"look mom no hans!"
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make
Shit, wrong thread.
My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?
Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
“No sir, your pizza will be round.”
You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall
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Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
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I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital." "Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?" "Yes it is." "eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh" "Quiet, Brick"
It’s something I could always see myself doing
Me: "Sweet dog you got there" Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Nevermind"
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
… to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
Because they are hill areas!
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I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?