Hating these things right now

No ballroom

Yeah, he's wheelie bin depressed.

https://ift.tt/2VyuVEX

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records…

To get some fresh beets

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

Anna I. Anna II. Anna I, II, III.

A Stick.

His-Panic.

Give it a badge and a gun

Just how low can some people go?

I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.

Im ok though, it was a soft drink

Too.

He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."

A πthon

He wanted to put his money where his mouth is

They only added the F after he died

The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are, while the fourth is using the bathroom. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari. Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner company and just gave his best friend a jet. Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a mansion Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys. Guy 4: Hey guys, what are we talking about? Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are. Guy 4:Well, my son is a gay stripper. Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life. Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends.

It must be in Airplane! mode.

Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says: "The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for living?" Gambler says "I am a professional gambler." "A gambler?" said the IRS agent with slightly puzzled and surprised look on his face. "Yes, I make my money by betting, would you like a demonstration?" "Sure" said the IRS agent "let's have a demonstration" "I will bet you $1,000; that I can bite my eye" said the gambler. "OK, you have a bet" replied IRS agent with a smirk on his face. The gambler pops out his glass eye and bites it. IRS agent is shocked as he did not see that coming, and he did agree to a $1,000 bet in from of gamblers attorney. "All right, all right, this was not really fair" said the gambler. "I will give you a chance to win your money back. I will bet you another $1,000 that I can bite my other eye." IRS agent looks over the guys paperwork and see that he is not legally blind and takes the bet. The gambler takes out his dentures and bites his other eye. The IRS agent is now visibly stressed and sweating for being on the hook for $2,000. "I tell you what. Double or nothing, I will stand on the edge of your desk, close my eyes and piss into the garbage can on the other side of the room without spilling a drop, what do you say?" IRS agent is a little perplex, but does not see how that would be possible and takes the bet. The gambler stands on the agents desks, unzip his pants, closes his eyes and pisses all over the agents desk. "YES!!!" exclaimed the IRS agent knowing he won the bet and does not own the gambler any money. "Ahh, shiiiit" said the attorney. "What's the matter?" asked the IRS agent. "Well, he bet me $20,000 that he will come to your office today, piss all over your desk, and you would be happy about it."

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Looking sharp looking fresh, 10 out of 10 would smash!

I just think he’s mean.

Guy goes to the pharmacy to buy a condom. His girlfriend told him she would not have sex with him unless he first met her family and has dinner with them. Pharmacist at counter: " just one condom? You sure?" Guy: "actually, my girlfriend's sister is pretty hot…lets make it two condoms." Pharmacist: "just two then? That's it?" Guy: "let's make it three. The mom is really hot too." That night he goes to dinner and her whole family is there. He sits at the table not saying a word, his face red as a tomato. His girlfriend takes him in the bedroom after they eat. Girlfriend: "what's wrong with you? You didn't say a word all night. Did something happen?" Guy: "no, I just didn't know your dad worked at the pharmacy."

… and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us. My mate said "pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone". I only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the shit out of us.

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now. A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him. "What would you like for your last meal?" "I would like a banana please." The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released. A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him. "You again? Shit. What do you want this time?" "Two bananas please." The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time. Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time. "Let me guess. Three bananas?" "Actually yes! How did you know?" "Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry." So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. "I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!" "Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Brrr-itos.

But I just call him Web MD.

“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up” The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson. 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in: ”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!