Have a chemistry midterm today, wish me luck :D
There was once a cross eyed teacher
They couldn’t control their pupils
Japanese Banking Crisis
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry. In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
I never believed the chiropractors actually worked
But now I stand corrected
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.
I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.
2, 4 and 6 tried to defeat 3, 5 and 7
But the odds were against them
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Can’t say that I‘m surprised
What’s so good about Shrek?
It's just a mediogre movie.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?
For Hispanic attacks
What do you call a drunk coffee?
Amerrycano.
I asked 100 women what their favorite soap in the shower was.
The most popular response was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.
In order the figures were: 1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David. After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time. 1) The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. 2) The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. 3) The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. 4) The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. 5) The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads: "Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!"
I went to a restaurant…
It was full; no place to sit… I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..
Pun enters a room and kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'Nah I don't think it'll be funny if I'll have to explain it five times'.
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
My wife left me cause Im too insecure
Never mind she was just at the grocery store
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt…
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it. 2.) They LOVE chocolate.
You shouldn’t fart in the Apple Store
because they have no windows
When is the best time to buy a chicken?
When they're going "CHEEP!"
My wife says that i dont give her enough privacy
At least that's what she said in her diary.
If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns…
Then you’re looking in Alderaan places
I began reading a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is about to happen; I can feel it.
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
The man next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.