HaVe A uPvOtE
You may be young enough to understand tech, but damn that’s a boomer tier joke
https://ift.tt/39ET2Jk
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
Thatβs ridiculous. My dogs donβt even own bikes
I asked the surgeon: can I administer my own anaesthetic?
The surgeon said: go ahead, knock yourself out.
Follow @codingmemes.io on Instagram for the funniest coding memes daily! π€£π
https://ift.tt/39KCzmx
Did you know Rick Astley was a huge Pixar fan? He will lend you any movie except one.
Heβs never gonna give you Up.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
An ancient mathematical joke
https://ift.tt/2NzJIMz
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Life is like a dick
Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever. Too bad life is short.
The boomer who shared this made sure to let everyone know that the mechanic was his favorite
https://ift.tt/2Xp5fyC
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife…
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
Veganism is like Communism..
They are both fine, unless you like food.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Me: Whatβs the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first Me: Okay, Iβll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure, how much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So whatβs the WiFi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase. EDIT: format
Timmy was being raised by his single mother
When one day she sat him down and explains to him that sheβs given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands. It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoing hormone therapy, and finally having the surgery. Timmy was very supportive during the whole process. Even when he was teased by some kids at school. But eventually the process was complete and they decided to have a nice dinner to celebrate. But dinner was ruined. Timmyβs dad just kept making terrible pun after terrible pun. Thatβs when it hit Timmy like a ton of bricks. He asks βDid….did you go through all this and even get a sex change just so you could make Dad jokes?!β Timmyβs dad replies βAhh shit, you see right through me. I guess Iβm just….transparentβ
Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??
Well, I for one..
A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him…
The driver says "get in the car". The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking. The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!" The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it." The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!" The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.
I asked my friend what an acorn was
He replied, "it's basically a small oak tree, in a nutshell."
Why are gays bad at poker?
They can't keep a straight face
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there.
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no bell prize.
The sperm clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in a cup
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking
As my teacher once said “To the side, to the side”
As my teacher once said “To the side, to the side”
If I could shoot rockets out of my feet,
I would call them missile toes. Have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.
A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar. I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked the worst possible one to start with. Here's the joke I told: "What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in." One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago. Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?" "No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."
Y’know working in a DIY/Hardware store has it’s odd moments.
Last week I caught someone trying to steal a light bulb! When I asked them if they needed help the person quickly shoved the bulb into their mouth and muttered. "Nah mate just looking for a light snack!" and walked off.
As a conservative, I could never date an extrovert
Their socialism is just too much
Welcome to invisibility class.
Iβm pretty disappointed to see so many of you.
What did Cinderella say when her photos got lost in the mail?
"I wonder when my prints will come…"
Jesus is watching you
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The same kind of people who would name a Pit Bull Jesus."
What do you call a cow with…
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with one leg? Stake. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip. What do you call a cow with four legs? A cow. What do you call a cow with five legs? Chernobull.
Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water.
Number 1. Number 2.
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.