Have we?
It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
How do you catch a bra?
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap…
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
A teacher asked his students a math question.
"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?" After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front. "One dollar!" she said. The teacher, conflicted on why the girl can't add, explained to her and the whole class how adding 1+5 works. At the end of class, the students were dismissed. A staff member oversaw the whole thing, and approached the teacher. "What the hell were you thinking asking that type of question?" the staff member asked. "What? I just asked them how much money 1+5 is- They couldn't even answer it!" "You said their parents gave them five dollars." "Yeah, so?" "You work at an orphanage, you moron!"
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency
looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside
I can’t stand when people kick me in the back of the leg
No text found
What has a head, a tail, but no body?
A coin Source: my 7 year old sister
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage…
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting
I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
My wife just told me, “I can’t find my datebook. I’ve looked for it everywhere. Have you seen it?”
Me: It seems like….you have a hidden agenda.
I can’t stand high frequency noises.
It Hertz my ears.
The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… “Donald , duck!”
I quit my job at the helium gas factory
I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice
A man tried putting ten jokes in a newspaper competition to win a car
But no pun-in-ten-did
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
A guy sent me his nudes.
Pretty nuts, if you ask me.
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms and no dates.
How many nails are there in a lesbian’s coffin?
None, it's all tongue-and-groove.
I once met a girl with twelve nipples.
Sounds funny. Dozen tit.
Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death
Plaguearism
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, “You know, people living in Denver can’t be buried there” and I look at him and ask him “Why?”
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school…
Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well
i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.
Where does the neckbeard get his water?
The well, actually.
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though