Have you ever noticed that Hasbro has cornered the entire board game industry?
I guess you can say they own a monopoly.
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods…
…but it’s harder to deter gents
Years ago, I had a job translating pre Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
Two Elves walk into a bar,
The hobbit laughs and walks under it.
What’s the difference between politics and anatomy?
In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.
What does “The Sixth Sense” have in common with “Titanic”?
Icy dead people.
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
Why did the skeleton not go to the party?
He had no body to go with
A dad was washing his car with his son
After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words. American English: no u
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank…
I have no words for how angry I am.
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
I have some jokes about unemployed people, but I can’t tell them to you
None of them work
What do you call an Arab stand-up comedian?
Mohahamed.
A young lad walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist I need a pack of 3 condoms.
The pharmacist replies “are you really going to need 3?” The young lad says “yeah, I’ve got a meal at my girlfriend’s place tonight and I think her mum and her sister both fancy me so I’m gonna smash all three of them, they’re really sexy!” The pharmacist gives him the condoms and says “lucky you!” Later that night, the young lad is sat at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her mum and sister when her dad comes in and sits down at the table. The young lad sinks into his chair and starts to pray. The girlfriend says “I didn’t know you were religious.” The young lad replies “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”
What’s the opposite of soup?
Sodown
At first I disliked parasites
But later on they grew on me
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
A man decided to become a monk
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could use a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin" replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?" "Well, actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Why haven’t the aliens visited our solar system yet?
Bad reviews… only 1 star.
Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?
They like to beat the crowd
I am scared of E minor.
It gives me the E B G Bs