Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
My wife locked me outside the house because she got sick of my terrible wordplay jokes.
I texted her "Oh pun the door!"
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!" The German says, "Danke!"
Why are cows bad at dancing?
They lactose.
I can cut wood just by staring at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
What do you call a sketchy Italian Neighborhood?
The Spaghetto
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle â»
The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries – $1 each.
I thought to myself âthese should be free of chargeâ.
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didnât like it.
So I choose not to post it this time around
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
Why donât introverted trees want to be chopped down?
They donât want to dialog
I can explain…
https://ift.tt/39ehIIv
I teach high school English and this is my go to:
Student: âHey can you check this to see if itâs right?â Student hands me their writing. Me, holding their paper upside down: âwell, first of all, itâs written upside down.â And then I give it back to them and walk away as if nothing happened.
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
A student visits the principalâs office one day and the principal says to him, âWhatâs your name, son?â He replies: âD-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.â The principal looks up and asks him, âOh, do you have a stutter?â
The student replies, âNo sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.â
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot (i posted this to r/cleanjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
Why doesn’t Oedipus use profanity?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
I am a mean guy.
It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?
All that was left was de Brie.
An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up … I'll get my hat."
Free Sex with Fill-Up
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all." Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My sister won twice last week."
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, âOi mate, you cant leave that lying there!â
The man says, âItâs not a lion itâs a giraffeâ
I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I donât have enough karma
[At the chameleon store]
Me: Do you have any chameleons? Clerk: I have no fucking idea
Why should you never play poker against the Queen of England when she is sitting on a toilet?
Because you can't beat a royal flush.
When your trying to discuss school with your dad.
I'm 19 years old and I major in Biology at SDSU. I was talking to my dad at Easter about an essay I'm writing. It is on the extracellular matrix, basically everything in the space between two or more cells, I thought it was going all right until he started laughing at literally nothing. Me: "Whats so funny?" Him: "I have a joke okay?" Me: "Okay?" Him: "What do prisoners study?" Me: "What?" Him: "Cell Walls." Basically thats my life.
I was just attacked by a man with a rack of spices!
It was a salt and peppery.
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks
People were dying…
…to meet the new mortician…
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger – 2.99 Cheeseburger – 3.99 Chicken Sandwich – 4.99 Hand Jobs – 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door." The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you? "Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us?" "You should go outside and help the poor man." Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?" In the distance he hears a reply, "Yes Please." "Where are you?" to which he hears, "Over here on the swing set."