Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
Why isn’t there any COVID-19 cases in Antarctica?
Because they’re ice-o-lated.
I had to break up with my tennis-playing girlfriend
Love meant nothing to her.
Why do skeletons never take any risks?
Because they have no guts.
A teacher gave her class
of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.' 'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.' 'That was a fine story Sarah.' Johnny, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Barbara. Auntie Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.' 'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?' 'Stay the fuck away from Auntie Barbara when she's had a Drink
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?
A hummingbird!
What do you name a smart pig?
Cunningham
What’s the difference between a Leopard and a Jaguar?
Thousands of miles.
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It's not stroganoff
Did you know they aren’t making metre sticks any longer?
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NSFW Ive never killed a mountain lion with my bare hands.
But ive choked a few cougars.
What did Adam say to Eve the night before Christmas?
It’s Christmas Eve. (I’ll let myself out…)
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
A son and daughter walk up to their father.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
A guy went to a Halloween party wearing regular clothes with his girlfriend sitting on his shoulder…..
…the host said where's your costume? The guy said I'm wearing a costume – I'm a snail. The host said you're a snail? The guy said yes, a snail, and pointed to his girlfriend and said this is Michelle.
My Girlfriend said last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”.
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
I got mad when my teacher told me I was an average student.
It was just a mean thing to say.
I have a joke about math.
But I’m 2² to say it.
Looks like October is…. Octover
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Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?
We recycle our material every fucking day.
