Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
I think I’d win gold in “Literature Gymnastics.”
I can really flip a page. 😀
Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?
Neither because they’re both stuck up cunts
I was having an argument with my friend the other day
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.
Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.
With just the tip.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat any dinner?
They were already stuffed!
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him
but this isn't even my final form.
What do you call a female rapper?
38.5 Cent
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
Do you know where the first bovine astronauts landed?
The mooooooooon
Why was the teacher cross eyed?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.
Everybody at our wedding cried
Even the cake was in tiers
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
If Russia were to revert back to the Soviet Union than…
I guess it would be a Soviet reunion
Yesterday I saw a half-dog, half-cat…
What’s up with dat!?
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."

Well Trumpy you’ve got 402,000+ people to visit and “embrace” atm. Better get on it.
https://ift.tt/39ORxHL
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal — if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol… Sol… ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
There was once a man who read no books
He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Curious about his, he told another one of his friends that he had read it. Just like that, BAM! He now had half the friends that he used to have. He went around telling people, until no one knew him except for the guy who had recommended him the book. In tears, he asked him what had happened. His friend replied, "oh, didn't I tell you?" "Tell me what?" "People who use "read it" have no friends."
My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn’t stop until 3:01AM.
Thanks daylight savings!
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
I was once addicted to soap.
Now I’m clean.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid and screamed “what the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs”
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store… While they were busy looking around,doctor stole 3 chocolate bars… As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer : "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that" Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing" So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy: "Do you wanna see magic..?" The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!" Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!" The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it… He asked for the second, and he ate that as well.. He asked for the third, and finished that one too… The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?" Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
What happins if you can’t pee?
Urine trouble
2 christians were stranded in a desert.
The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty. In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where. John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to change their names to islamic ones so that the Imam would agree to feed them. John: That is pointless and deceiving. We should introduce ourselves with our real names. Jack: No, or else they won't feed us. From now on call me Mohammed. They made their way to the mosque and met the Imam and told him about their despair. The Imam told John: We have a room filled with food and water. As for you Mohammed, have a blessed Ramadan.
It’s amazing how Seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid December and I’m freezing…
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
I mean, to be frank
I'd have to change my name
What did the Mexican fireman name his two sons?
José and Hose B
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
“Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room.”
"Thanks Grandpa!" "Why did you call me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
I wonder what my wife’s favourite US state is.
Maybe Alaska.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight….
There would be mass confusion