Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It's the little things that count!
My daughter keeps complaining that I’m too nosy
Or at least that's what I read in her diary
Two guys go moose hunting…..
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.” To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy!” Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?” Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?” “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
I went to my local tobacconist to discover that it has been replaced by a clothing store…
Clothes, but no cigar.
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot
Great wine is like great jazz…
It confuses me and I’m pretty sure it’s all the same.
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist…
A lot of black people would try to mug me
My roomate and i did this game where we cleaned up another ones room everyday.
We were maid for each other.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender “how much?”
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
My girlfriend called me today and told me that she was HIV+
It's always hard to act surprised
What do flies do at church?
Flyspray
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
What do you call a group of 8 rabbits?
A rabbyte.
My 10 year old came in with a piece of paper and said “Dad, I’ve got a joke for you.”
Then she ripped it in half and said, “Never mind, it’s tearable.” I feel like I’ve succeeded as a dad.
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
Hey, fork you.
I'm sorry, that wasnt very knife.
If you’re ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don’t panic.
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.
Distinctly possible it is
You ever wonder if the reason Star Wars movies came out the order they came out was because Yoda was in charge of the release dates?
A man buys a lie detector robot
That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner. “Where were you during school hours?” He asks. “At school!” His son replies. The robot slaps the boy. “Ok I was at my friends house….” His son says. “What were you doing there? “Reading comics!” The robot slaps the son again. “Ok ok!! We were watching an erotic movie…” “What?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims. The robot quickly slaps him. His wife laughs and says, “Wow, he really IS your son-“ The robot slaps the wife.
Why aren’t people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.
Because of the telly ban
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby.
He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
Found out I was color blind the other day.
That one came right out of the orange.
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
When I was a kid, I told my mother I wanted to be a drummer in a rock and roll band when I grew up and she said…
"Well honey, you can't do both."
A pun walks in and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead.
Went and bought a sweater yesterday. The thing just kept picking up static electricity.
I went to return it and they gave me another one free of charge.
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
