Have you ever tried eating the clock
Its very time consuming
A man gets pulled over by the police…
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes?
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Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
What’s the definition of a will?
Come on guys, it's a dead giveaway.
A Brexit walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
A man came up to me and said “Man, your clothes look gay”.
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
Someone pooped in the water hole again.
Well shit.
Knock knock.
Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Aw, don't cry. It's just a joke.
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time
He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger, “Oi! What animal is that then?” “That’s a moose,” the ranger replied. “A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”
When two people have sex it’s called a two-some, when three people have sex it’s a threesome
Guess that's why my dad calls me handsome.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.
Especially because his name’s Steve.
[At the museum] My wife: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
What do cannibals drink in the morning?
A cup of Joe.
I switched the labels on all my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
A man in a trench coat runs up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself.
One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.
Imagine having a president that doesn’t understand how the First Amendment works
https://ift.tt/2yEEfRR
Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?
LEFT WING DESTROYED
this
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Where did covid 19 take his son?
The Plagueground
When I ever get to be a dad, I wanna start early.
If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"
What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
R.I.P. boiled water… you will be mist
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So I killed 5 zombies and a vampire…
… I'm just trying to figure out why they were all carrying bags of candy 🤔
Three samurais compete with each other
Three samurais are sitting around a camp fire when suddenly, one boasts. "I am the world's best swordsman!" – he stands up, whips out his sword and cut a fly in half. The second samurai says,"No, I'm the best." and he sees a fly -his sword flashes twice- then the fly falls into 4 pieces. The third samurai, wanting to prove them both wrong says "Hold my sake.". He stands, slashes at a fly… and the fly continued flying. The first two samurais erupted into laughter – but the third explains "That poor fly, he can never have sex again!"