Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
DEEPFIRED: Australian PM Scott Morrison known as Scomo caught taking another break
https://ift.tt/2ZJgQaV
Did you hear about the psychic midget prison escapee?
He’s a small medium at large
How often should columns be connected at the top?
Just a lintel bit of the time
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
All Americans are immigrants … especially from an East Asian (Siberian) Bloodline
https://ift.tt/2YVjBYn
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on!
What is the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saurus
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday
It came completely out of the purple
We need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it
The current version has a nasty virus
How much does it cost a pirate to get their ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
People have called me a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info. Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info. Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell. The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
A Roman walks into a bar …
A Roman walks into a bar, says "I'd like a martinus." The bartender asks, "you mean martini?" "No, just one."
What do you call a fat psychic?
A 4-chin-teller
Apparently I snore so loud
That it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.
I guess I’m just black toast intolerant.
Like a lazy tailor would say…
Suit yourself.
Asking relevant questions in class leads to 30 minute anecdotes about his personal life
https://ift.tt/2Bv17Rq
I am giving up drinking for a month
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
Why don’t dinosaurs talk ?
Because they're dead
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
Heartbreaking
Dallas Morning News – A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
So a group of nuns is golfing near some men
A man swings his club and fails to hit the ball. Man: God damnit, I missed. A nun shakes her head in disapproval. The man swings again and misses yet again Man: Damnit, I missed again! Nun: Sir, if you keep on swearing like that, you're gonna go to hell. The man then laughs and dismisses the nun's comment. He makes one more attempt at hitting the ball, but to no avail. Man: God fucking damnit! The sky then goes dark, a lightning bolt strikes the nun, and you can hear a thundery voice say, "God damnit, I missed."
Soon just got me without this one: “Hey Dad, want to hear a construction joke?”
Give me a second I'm still working on it.
What’s the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit
How do you check if a sniper loves you?
He misses you.
Somebody stole my microsoft office and they’re going to pay
You have my word
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…