Have you guys heard about these new corduroy pillowcases?
They're really making headlines!
Student: “Hey can you check this to see if it’s right?” Student hands me their writing. Me, holding their paper upside down: “well, first of all, it’s written upside down.” And then I give it back to them and walk away as if nothing happened.
But I didn't think it would register.
Because he doesn’t believe in himself
Just take your opinion and subtract 3.14.
He felt his presents.
Dry erase board.
So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678
is sphere itself
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
I shouted, "Even better, I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed… Well, everyone except this one guy.
They both border on stupidity.
I came to work this morning and was shocked to find that our company was bought over by a firm in Madrid.
No one expects the Spanish acquisition.
It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?" "Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose". The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question. "Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily." The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg". "Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".
You can hide but you can’t run
There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. EDIT: holy crap this is my most upvoted post. Thank you all!
shelving them was cucumbersome
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?
Under the g(o)rill(a).
I can also tell if they are standing.
When you replace the b with a d
He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out! The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world." The Genie goes "poof" and suddenly the man's face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought. Then he looks towards the genie and says, "I should have taken the money".
They told me “you gotta know how to hold em, and how to fold em.” 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️ Dad out.
He kept talking about how he wants to shake things up.
But first, let me introduce you to todays sponsor Raid Of Shadow Legends.
The other says “Yes, i think it’s these wicker chairs”.
When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"
W-I-F-E They tell you what to do all day long!
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
Because everything was at steak
I learned next to nothing.
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
I'd be like, why am I always getting all this money?