Have you heard the one about organs in China ?
She only carries one picture because once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.
especially when I went for seconds
Waiter: What would you like to order, sir? Termite: Table for two.
“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
It must be in Airplane! mode.
-Which one of you fucked my wife??!! Some guy in the crowd says: – you should bring more bullets
It was the wurst.
When I got home, I realised I didn't even have a coconut.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
Because they’re straight up with each other.
So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
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Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines…
Just take your opinion and subtract 3.14.
The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
When I'm so inclined.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
You give her a pound, then you give her a pound
She was able to learn how to read and write despite being from Alabama
New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey
A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”
The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband. The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to flicking channels and stuffing food in his mouth. The wife stands up, obviously angry at her husband. And turn the TV off. “Now you look here! You come home late, don’t even say hello, don’t explain why you were late either! I bet you were with that harlot from work again wasn’t you? You said it was over, how could you do this to me! I cook for you, clean for you, and all you do is treat me like a slave! My mother was right about you! I even…. The man lays back on the couch, his eyes glaze over and he zones out. “Damn” he mutters to himself, “it’s started”.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
It was oddly sharp
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
No it doesn't
Destruction of government property.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
He usually laughs.
He said: “No, I got shot in the leggy.”
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
I fear the wurst.
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
The prose outweighs the cons.