Have You Heard The One About The Sheep?
It's baaad…
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
It’s “live free or die”, not “live free or get everyone else killed by a pandemic”.
https://ift.tt/3dPzkNv
Don’t buy anything with Velcro
It’s a total rip-off
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia
She looked up and quietly replied, “they’re right behind you.”
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
A proud mom gave birth to twins that she named Juan and Amal.
She only carries one picture because once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.
Apparently the inventor of auto-correct has died.
His funeral is next monkey.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial Arts
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because…
…of the indoor fins…
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
I’ll name my child $2y$10$ugTh9EyUvedMTndo0PvF4.YKZaHX6OsMirqjR6ApgASNPrRikwBGS
https://ift.tt/2WcbTYa
Why did the baker go to work?
He kneads the dough.
CV for Family Tech Support
Experience for more than 12 family members over 20 years:Master in finding the cable that was not plugged.PhD in being the only one able to navigate menus using the arrow buttons of the remote. (That there exists no other solution doesn’t mean they won’t try.)Trustee of the recovery address of a legion of emails.Knows what a file is.Wizard-like competence to circumvent user experience failures. (“Yes, yes, you really need to slide your finger from the top of the screen to see a search bar!”)Ability to suffer through 10+ configuration steps over the phone. Including the endless repetition of “No, no, this won’t delete anything”, “You don’t need that”, and the crowd pleasing “No, you don’t want to read the privacy policy”.Uncanny power to spot what is actually a computer and needs to be rebooted, like TV sets and smart watches.Knows what a backup is.Privacy aware: can remove malware from your computer without snarky comments about the shady sites that you visit and more generally, can see things I shouldn’t while debugging your devices and keep it to myself.Understands that charging your computer with your phone charger doesn’t work.Doesn’t hate you, yet.
I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.
Seriously, what is the world cumming to?
What organ can expand to 10 times it’s size…
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
As I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
Just want to let you know You all matter
Unless you multiply yourself by the spped of light squared then you Energy
Where is EA Sports headquarters located?
It’s in the game.
My artistic friend paints the most realistic fish, and I asked him what his secret was.
He said, “It must be drawn to scale.”
I hit my friend with a huge crystal of sodium chloride.
I got arrested for a salt!
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. “Wait, don’t chop me down. I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
My wife broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered…
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my garage and he’s missing an eye…
I've named him Alen.
The director of Pulp Fiction…
Quarantino.
Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?
Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the rushing water tumbling over the stones, and how the stones rest undisturbed despite the water? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the majesty of the full moon in the deep silence of the night? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. …Grasshopper? –Yes, Master Po. You should spend more time training and less time watching stupid shit!
3 guys were sitting in a biker bar.
A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face. And said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is fine!” The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again. And he said “I got it on with your grandma. And she is good. The best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said,”I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!” The biker stood up and took the drunk by the shoulder. And said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”
When Unity’s loading screen finally coincides with your feelings about your project.
https://ift.tt/2u4Mi83
What did the casket say to the other casket?
Is that you coffin?
What’s the definition of a will?
Come on guys, it's a dead giveaway.
What do you call a crossword puzzle that only has bad words in it?
A cross word puzzle.
I turned to my son and asked him to name two pronouns.
He looked bewildered and replied, "Who, me?"
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
