I made a playlist for hiking!
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my….Trail Mix.
What do you call an angsty teenage robot?
A sigh borg!
Shredded cheese was a great invention.
People were really grateful.
A dad is lying on his deathbed with his son standing over him
Son: Iâm really gonna miss you, Dad. The dad, with his dying breath, utters, âHi Really Gonna Miss You, Iâm Dad.â A single tear rolls down the sonâs cheek
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
Itâs currently half empty.
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just donât understand why she feels that way.
What do you call the sweat created from sex in Alabama?
Relative humidity.
Why couldnât the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.
But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.
I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.
The competition was pretty stiff.
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.    Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!! You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
A few minutes ago, my wife turned to me and whispered, âI want u so badly.â
We are playing Scrabble, and she has a Q that she canât get rid off.
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
I just ate 2000 pounds of Chinese soup
It was Won Ton
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasnât unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didnât know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, âHoney, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?â He hadnât and said so. Then she said, âTomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what sheâs really doing.â Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. âWell, is she selling drugs?â she asked excitedly.â âNo, sheâs not.â he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. âWell, what is it, then?â his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. âHer name is Sally and sheâs selling batteries.â âBatteries?â cried the wife. âYes,â he replied. âSally sells C cells by the Seashore.â
If a Tesla got stolen…
Would it then be called an Edison?
My wife’s leaving me because she says I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa…
Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her.