Having children is a lot like making pancakes
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well. He certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.
I made a chicken salad today.
Stupid bird wasn’t even grateful.
COVID-19 is like Pasta
Asians invented it, Italians spread it.
I was yelling really loud into my colander
And I think I strained my voice.
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton…
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one. Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.
Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Parents: Arson? Principal: Yes, your son.
What do you call a zombie who writes his own music?
A decomposer.
I just saw a robbery at the Apple store…
I guess that makes me an iWitness!
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
I’m now the CIEIO.
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to “Please be gentle; I’m still a Virgin”.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband no. 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband no. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband no. 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. "Husband no. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. "Husband no. 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. "Husband no. 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. "Husband no. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it… "Husband no. 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. "Husband no. 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. "Husband no. 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it….. God I miss him. "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? "You're with the "GOVERNMENT" – this time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."
What do you call a dad joke when it gets old?
A grandpa joke
I really hate spheres.
They just seem so pointless to me.
I found out the secret to making money…
But first, let me introduce you to todays sponsor Raid Of Shadow Legends.
Why did Costco stop selling 5 gallon jars of pickles?
shelving them was cucumbersome
I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.
He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
What is an opinion without 3.14?
An onion.
A man experiencing severe headaches goes to the doctor
He says."Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been getting these same headaches everyday and I don't know what to do". The doctor says "I experienced those same headaches too. Here's what I did: I went home and gave my wife oral sex. She would squeeze my head with her legs and this relieved the tension. Try it". Two weeks go by, and the doctor calls him up, asking how he feels. He says "Doc, you're a genius! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment. I feel like a new man! Oh, and by the way, you have a lovely home".
I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were…
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike
I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.
What do you call an angry nut?
A pissed-achio
My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.
How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
When is a dad joke mature?
When it's full groan.
I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been mocking me for wearing mittens…
…but I’m not going to point fingers.
Why did the homophobic buffalo cry?
It had a bison.
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other “you worried about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
I had one of the first computers that could talk….
But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.
The girl I just started dating told me she is Russian
I told her I think we should take things slowly
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam