Having gay parents must be horrible
I mean you either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck into infinite loop of “go ask your mom”.
“I didn’t have time for the impeachment, and presidents don’t play golf during pandemics.”
https://ift.tt/2LQWyWW
I asked my daughter why her electrician boyfriend didn’t show up for their date.
No shock: He was grounded
My wife thinks I’m a light sleeper. I disagree.
I sleep in the dark.
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie popped out. Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it? Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with “I”
Bobby: I is… Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is". Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
It’s just a curd to me.
I lent a girl an umbrella yesterday
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she “could be under the same roof as him for his birthday”. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for a minute …decided to give her the £300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response…so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
Sign language really comes in handy
No text found
Three logicians enter a bar
The bartender asks them: "Do all three of you want beer?" The first one said: "I don't know." The second also said: "I don't know." The third one said: "Yes."
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
What do you call a pen that isn’t moving?
Stationary.
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
You should never trust umbrella companies
They run a shady buisness
Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere?”
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.
To the person who stole my copy of mircosoft office
I will find you, you have my word
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
Provided by my own mother (I left the page in on purpose, I feel like it sells it)
https://ift.tt/2VPRgkJ
Conjoined twins are level-headed people.
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Some people say I’m too vague
But you know how the saying goes.
Before I die, I’m going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn…
That should make the cremation a little more interesting…
I wish I had the sexual power of snow.
People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.
So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!
For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.
Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.
Whats the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" A professional thief says, "Sign here please."
I made a belt out of watches once,
It was a waist of time.
