Having gay parents must suck
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
How do you find a velociraptor?
Distanceraptor divided by timeraptor
Why haven’t aliens visited yet?
They checked the reviews of our solar system and only saw one star
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
There is a new reality show where flat earthers are trying to find the edge of the world.
They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started “unos, dos..”
But then he disappeared without a tres…
Want to hear a clean joke
Window cleaner
Milk is the fastest liquid on earth
It's pasteurized before you even see it!
I hate when revolving doors move too fast
It's a pane in the ass
What did the 0 say to the 8 ?
Nice belt
Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them.
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
My girlfriend told me that she’s leaving because I’m too immature…
Good luck with that, the floor's made of lava.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
My daughter asks me all the time “Daddy, can you put my shoes on?”
“No, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”. She’s 3 🙂
My friend told me the funniest joke about the Gettysburg Address.
It was historical
I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?
McDonald’s ice cream machine
There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whore from a grave. She was moldy and sh1tty, And only had one titty But look at the money he saved!
My wife is like a newspaper…
there is a new issue every single day.
Two American journalists are in London.
Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and to the the point. "Interesting", said the American journ'o, "can you give us an example?" "Well", said the UK guy, "take this crime that happened yesterday, a mental patient escapes from the local funny farm, enters a laundry, rapes one of the washer women and runs off. What headline would you use?" The two thought for a moment and said." Maniac sexually assaults laundry worker and escapes". "See," Says the UK guy, "too long". "what's your headline then?", said the American. The UK guy smiles and said, "Nut screws washer and bolts".
The Deep State, like goblins and the ogres upset children and the feeble-minded
https://ift.tt/3d5lc23
My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bull.
It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for.
If the person who named walkie-talkies also named other things…
Stamp – licky-sticky Defibrillator – hearty-starty Bumble bee – fuzzy-buzzy Fork – stabby-grabby Socks – feety-heaties Nightmare – screamy-dreamy Tennis racket – stringy-swingy Cactus – pricky-sticky Squid – squishy-fishy Horror film – thrashy-slashy Whisky – stinky-drinky Wasp – stingy-wingy Parrot – wordie-birdie Auto-correct – writey-righty Lifejacket – boaty-coaty
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
I just got back from the doctor, who told me I’m infertile.
I'm not kidding.
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
A naked woman robbed a bank
Nobody could remember her face
A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
i instantly forget all the things i studied that night
i instantly forget all the things i studied that night
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
A friend told me that he doesn’t understand how cloning works.
I told him, “That makes two of us.”
Bad Hitler puns are inführeriating.
No text found
I swallowed a bunch of scrabble pieces today.
My next shit could spell disaster.
Relatable.
Relatable.
3.14% of sailors are Pi rates
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My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.
I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door. I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?” I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!” “Great” she said. ”Can you watch my dog?”
Why did the dog say “meow”?
he was bilingual
Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks
and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.