Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.
They fuck you once a month for 25 years,
they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,
and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.
Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.
They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached. "Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her. The mother held up her hand and tried to pass, but the protester blocked her and continued, "It is imperative that we evacuate the colony! Did you know that the dirt we live in, that we raise our children in, contains magnesium and aluminum? And God knows what else!" Again, she politely but firmly shook her head and pulled her daughter along, as the protester shouted after her, "You owe it to your children to evacuate now!!" After they got some distance, the young ant looked up worriedly at her mother. "Was that man right, momma? Are we in danger?" The mother smiled at her daughter. "No, sweetheart. Don't worry. Just because they use big words to try to scare us, doesn't mean the Ant Evacs movement knows what it's talking about."
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline become apparent.
The other day I yelled into a colander.
I strained my voice.
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.
https://ift.tt/2MoevNG
The guy who invented predictive text died last night…
his funfair is next monkey
I am your motherfu*ker.
I am your motherfu*ker.
r/im14andthisisdeep:
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
A defribilator almost never fails, when it did…
No One was shocked
I bought coconut shampoo the other day…
When I got home, I realised I didn't even have a coconut.
A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."
Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?
Or do you have to spread them apart?
My girlfriend is very untidy and never helps clean our place. I finally snapped and told her she needed to do her share. She smiled and said…
“If I could turn back time!!! If I could find a way!!!!"
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started “unos, dos..”
But then he disappeared without a tres…
What Thog say to man
Thog don’t care
“I can’t ever see you again. I won’t let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK.”
Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.
What do you call a horse with no nose?
A yes horse.
Someone: “If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should’ve been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19”
My response: "144? That's a gross"
I’m pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got 12 fridges
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and c approach I guess
Why is the dark side of the moon dry?
Because the other side has all the moonshine
My daughter thinks I’m overprotective and nosy
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?
There was nothing left but de Brie
What a wholesome story, I wonder how this boy turned out.
What a wholesome story, I wonder how this boy turned out.
You know what’s wrong with political jokes?
They sometimes get elected.
Bob was in trouble
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field
But hay, it's in my jeans.
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
What do police do when there’s a fly annoying everyone in the station?
Call the swat team.
