Having the internet turn your protest into a meme

What does a serial killer do when he finds Waldo?
Wears Waldo.
I was talking to a scammer the other day.
Me: âHello.â NOT-Microsoft support: âHello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.â Me: âOh no. My device? Are you sure?â NOT-Microsoft support: âOh yes, we have many reports.â Me: âOh jeez. How can I fix it?â NOT-Microsoft support: âItâs OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?â Me: âYes. I was just about to use it. Iâm glad you called.â NOT-Microsoft support: âYes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?â Me: âI think it's already on.â NOT-Microsoft support: âOkay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.â Me: âI donât see that.â NOT-Microsoft support: âDo you see a bunch of information above the Start button?â Me: âYes.â NOT-Microsoft support: âThat is your Control Panel.â Me: âWow, I didnât realize it had a name.â NOT-Microsoft support: âYes sir, now press on Internet Options.â Me: âYeah, I definitely donât see any Internet options. I donât think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.â NOT-Microsoft support: âThey all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.â Me: âOK, itâs the same as before.â NOT-Microsoft support: âThatâs OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?â Me: âUmmmâŠI donât know how. Iâve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.â NOT-Microsoft support: âThere must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when itâs running?â Me: âIn those cases, I usually press the big button.â NOT-Microsoft support: âOK sir. Please press that button.â Me: âOk.â NOT-Microsoft support: âIs your device off?â Me: âNo. The door popped open.â NOT-Microsoft support: âDoor? Is there a disc inside the door?â Me: âNo, thereâs a burrito.â NOT-Microsoft support: âWhy is there a burrito in your computer?â Me: âComputer? I thought you said this was microwave support.â
Donât worry, the coronavirus wonât last long.
Because itâs made in China.
Although my friend has a lot of hair, heâs paranoid about going bald.
I told him, âItâs all in your head.â
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
My ex-wife still misses me.
But her aim is steadily improving.
I was told to post this here.
This here.
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip
My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to DickâŠ
Mostly because his name is SteveâŠ
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
A lawyer’s trick . . .
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defenseâs closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. âLadies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,â the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.â He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, âActually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.â The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. âBut how?â inquired the lawyer. âYou must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.â The jury foreman replied: âOh, we did look, but your client didnât.â
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes itâs a gay bar:
"What the heck." He says to himself. "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy. "Whatâs the name of your willy?" The cowboy says. "Look, Iâm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." "The gay waiter says. "Iâm sorry but I canât serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, whatâs the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks. "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies. "âCause it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fellaâs on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says….. "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims. "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds. "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says. "I call mine CHEVY Like a Rock!" And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks. "Why Secret?" The cowboy says. "Because itâs âSTRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods
But its harder to deter gents
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
What’s brown and not very heavy ?
Light brown
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
Detroit isn’t That Bad… Trust Me
A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying. "No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family." The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great… you'll be fine, trust me." The other guy seems to perk up and says, "Hey, thanks man, you've really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?" "I'm a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck…"
I asked the Wal-Mart worker where I could find the nuts.
"They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."
I never liked myself with facial hair…
but since I stopped shaving this beard has been growing on me.
What’s the difference between Reddit and Instagram?
Reddit fills your mind with thoughts. Instagram fills your mind with thots.

Me after finishing an introductory lesson on HTML pretending to understand the posts here
https://ift.tt/33XO0oi
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
A colon can completely change a sentence.
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
Why are mathematicians always so happy?
Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
Iâm Going to Kill that Parrot
A young women purchases a condo downtown. She is very excited as she can now walk to work every day. On her first day of walking to work she sees that there is a pet store on her way. As she gets closer, she notices that there is a parrot in front of the store sitting on a perch. When she gets closer, the parrot looks at her and says âHey, lady!â The young woman warmly responds with âWhat Mr. Parrot?â The parrot says âyouâre ugly!â The young woman is shocked and says âthatâs not very nice, leave me aloneâ and goes on about her way. The next day the young woman is on her way to work and she encounters the parrot again. The parrot says âHey lady!â and the woman responds cautiously with âWhat Mr. Parrot?â And the parrot says âyouâre really ugly!â The woman tells the parrot to shut up and goes on to work. This happens day after day after day until one day, after the parrot tells her sheâs ugly, she loses her cool and marches into the store to find the manager. She explains to the manager that she is tired of being harassed by this bird and he better do something or sheâs going to kill it. The manager calmly explains to her that heâll talk to the parrot and itâll never happen again. The very next day the young woman is on her way to work and sure enough, she sees the parrot. As she approaches, the parrot looks at her and says, âHey lady!â She responds with âWhat Mr. Parrot?â The parrot says âyou know!â