A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need.
This joke has me dead.
I got hit in the head by a soda can the other day…
Luckily, it was a soft drink!
You can drop an ant in water to determine its sex
If the ant sinks – girl ant If the ant floats – boy ant
I recently discovered I can move my sister’s daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
What did the Mexican fireman name his two sons?
Josรฉ and Hose B
What type of music do windmills like?
I heard they're big metal fans.
Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?
They found Himalayan in the street!
I gave all my dead batteries away todayโฆ
Free of charge
What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar?
There, theyโre, their.
People say the back of my head looks really nice
But I don't see it
โHow much to buy a singing ensemble?โ
PRODUCER: You mean a choir? โFine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?โ
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
Dad does dementia run in the family?
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
My friend charges ยฃ20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
A rapist, priest, and child molester walk into a bar
He orders a drink
Microsoft is killing off support for Windows 7, which is used on a third of PCs globally
https://ift.tt/2uQvjqf
After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor
He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people. He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave him the death sentence. The day finally comes and he enters the electric chair room. They ask for his last meal and he asks for one banana. He eats the banana and goes to the chair. They shock him but somehow after the shock he's still alive. Everyone in the room is like "Oh wow he lived, welp i guess we'll let him go." So off he goes back into the world (with a really poor legal system). He decides that he still wants to be a train conductor. So he goes back to being one, he's so confident nothing will go wrong this time. Aaaand then he crashed again, killing even more people. He went back to court again and of course the judge gave him the death sentence. He goes back into the death chamber he was once in, and this time for his last meal he asks for just two bananas. He eats them and goes to the chair. They really dont want him to live so they push the electricity even higher this time. However once again he lives. Everyone in the room is so astonished they dont do anything when he walks out. So this absolute madman decides to conduct trains again. What do you know he messes up again. So he goes to court and all that and he's back in the death chamber. When they ask what he wants for his final meal he says that he wants three bananas. They say "No you can't have your bananas, every time you've had them you survive the execution." They don't give him his bananas or any other choice for a last meal and throw him into the chair. They crank the electricity up to full power and sparks fly everywhere, the room is filled with smoke. When the smoke clears, he's just sitting there smiling, unscathed. They're so confused and even scared, they ask him how he somehow survived a dose of electricity that should kill anything it touches. His answer? "Well really im just not a good conductor." Sorry for the long and probably badly written joke
Did you hear about the soldier that lost his legs?
They say he was defeated in battle
Why can’t you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.