He bit me too
The LIVING ROOM
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
I said too bad they don't have windows
He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter: "Dear Sir: Please find enclosed a complimentary pirate's costume. The handkerchief can cover your bald head if you'd like, and with your wooden leg you will be a great pirate. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes" The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another package and a letter, which says: "Dear Sir: We are quite sorry about the misunderstanding. Please find enclosed a monk costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes" Now the man is really upset, since they have gone from using his wooden leg to using his bald head! So again he writes the company another letter of complaint, being particularly nasty about how they've failed to meet both conditions with their previous attempts. The next week he gets a much smaller package and a note, which reads: "Dear Sir: You will find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes"
Because they can't multiply.
Who’s there? Hike. Hike who? Warm midnight falling. Stars shining, dancing brightly. Peaceful all at once
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
He says, "uno, dos…" poof … He disappeared without a tres.
Because you're a joke.
It was a bassless accusation.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.
But I called her Bluff.
..it became beer.
I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, "what can we tell about courtly love." To which I respond, "well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain." No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke.
You want a piece of me?
But I didn't think it would register.
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
Because it isn’t easy to tell them a part.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
It was quite a Marvel.
Now he’s just a handyman.
But it didn't hurt, because it was a soft drink!
For hispanic attacks.