He can’t help but shoot himself in the foot every time.
A wise sage once told me, “don’t play with words…
play with yourself"
A farmer
buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it’s fucking the geese and the ducks too. Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, " You deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "Shhhhhh! They are about to land!"
A woman goes to her gynecologist…
"What seems to be the problem?" he asked her. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!" The gynecologist took a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps, ma'am. They're the stickers off the bananas."
“Life is like a box of chocolates”
“It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
What do you call a teacher, who retired?
A Taughter.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?
One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.
Bold to assume
to assume
I don’t trust the sea
it looks fishy
My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2
He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.
Some day, Canada will take over the world.
And then we'll all be sorry.
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well that’s your fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
A man’s fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he’s aware wolf
Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants?
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
What would happen if americans switched to kilograms overnight?
Mass confusion.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring
I am okay but, I think I dyed a little inside
Why did Jeffrey Epstein’s English teacher fail him?
Because he never finished his sentences…
Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked “How fast do you think a hearse can go?”
Me: I don’t think very fast at all Wife: Why not?! Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back… Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
I wanted a tattoo of the number 3.14 on my arm…
But my wife said that was irrational.
My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem
I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterday when she said she was going for a team building meeting, I followed her on my motorbike after two blocks a guy stopped his car hugged her and opened his car door for her. I was watching all that from a distance so they wouldn't see me. When they finally drove off I tried to start my bike to follow them but it couldn't start. What could the problem be guys? The clutch ? Engine? Petrol? Plug? I'm so worried about my bike. Got banned from r/relationship_advice for this so thought I might as well post it here lmao
What is the only fruit you can sit on?
A cherry.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.
I hired a landscape gardener…
But he said he couldn’t help as my garden was portrait.
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early?
To beat the crowd.
How do you count People from Mississippi
1 Mississippi 2 Mississippi 3 Mississippi
Sometimes I like to tuck my knees to my chest, and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
