He couldn’t help himself…
What do you call an orange with a telescope?
A satzoomer.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
Because he felt his presents…
Why are communist jokes so funny?
Everyone gets it.
Got a new phone, and I went straight to my lawyer’s office.
He's helping me build a case to avoid damages.
What’s the heights of over confidence
. Edit: thank you kind stranger for the Silver!
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for…
I can never get a straight answer.
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
I went skydiving today.
The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered… Me and my wife have different dentists…
Dads are like Boomerangs.
I hope.
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
When does a dad joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Kentuckians
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor. So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.
The bravest (long joke)
Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members. "Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young private runs over, goes to attention and throws a crisp salute. "Soldier, I want you to go climb that water tower and jump off." The private sees the water tower and without hesitation runs over to the ladder, scales up, jumps off, and dies on impact. "Now that is bravery." The Navy admiral chuckles and says, " you think that is bravery? Here watch this." He looks around and sees a young seaman. "Seaman, over here!" The young seaman rushes over, goes to attention, and throws a sharp salute. "Seaman, I want you to go over to that water tower and swan dive off." Without a second thought the young man runs over, climbs to the top, and performs a graceful swan dive off off the tower landing head first, dying on impact. "Now that is bravery. " The Marine general, not to be outdone by the Navy, just sneers out, "you boys ain't seen a thing yet." He spots a young corporal and shout out, "hey maggot, over here on the double!" The young Marine barrels over, pops to attention, and throws a perfect salute. "Alright you worthless pile of crap time to finally make something of yourself. I want you to climb up that water tower, do exactly three flips mid-air and land head first into the ground. You better die on impact as well or so help me I will reach into whatever afterlife you believe in, rip you out, and throw you off that tower myself!" Without batting an eye the Marine sprints over to the water tower, climbs up, does exactly three flips, and lands head first dying on impact. "Now that is bravery." The Air Force general just shakes his head and says, "I got this in the bag." He sees a young airman and calls him over. The young man gives a quizzical look and motions to himself to make sure, eventually walking over to the general. He makes a lazy attempt at attention and briefly throws a salute. "Airman, I want you to go over to that water tower and jump off." The airman raises his brow, looks up at the tower, and then down at the pile of dead service members. "Pfft, screw you … sir," he replies and walks off. The Air Force general turns to the other officers and remarks, "Now THAT is bravery!"
I don’t understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
My wife told me to stop obsessing over a certain footballer.
So I said, "I'm not at your Beckham call."
I work in a shop called The Masochist.
I hate it so much that I work there seven days a week.
Johnnie didn’t know what else to do to have sex with his wife…
… every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts. They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best toast. One night, Johnnie made a special toast: "I toast to spending the rest of my nights between my wife's legs!" So he won the best toast of the night for the first time. He arrived home buzzed and overly excited thinking this was the night they would finally have sex. "Mary, I won the best toast of the night!" "Really, what did you toast for?" But Johnnie was suddenly scared of making things worse: "Well… I toasted to spending all my days in church!" So the next day, Johnnie and Mary are walking in town and one of Johnnie's friends approaches the couple with a naughty smile. "Mary… did you know Johnnie won the best toast last night?" Johnnie freezes and Mary replies: "Yes, but that's odd… every time I tell him to do it he refuses. If we ever do it, he falls asleep halfway through. And last weekend I had to grab him by his ears, and still, he didn't come!"
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.
"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these — they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish?
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master’s degree…
Dating a girl that has a child…
… it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra
You can never find the barcode
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
How many volunteers do we have for my army ?
"385, my liege." "Okay, round them up." "400, my liege."
A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.
He found love, got married and had a son. The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons. Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden. After a lot of grief, the man has the idea of bringing the garden to new life. However, not being young anymore, it seems like an impossible task for him alone. He writes to his son: "My dear son, after your mother's death, I am finally ready to move on. I'd like to bring our old garden to new life. Unfortunately, the task seems to be too much for an old man like me. I know you're busy with work and family, but maybe you could help me with digging over the old patches. This would help a lot. Love, your father." Some time later he receives a short message from his son: "Father. Please keep away from the patches. It's where I hid the 'Thing'. Your son." The next morning, combined forces of FBI, NSA and HS invade the property and the neighborhood. They start questioning everyone and search the man's garden inch after inch, soil layer after soil layer. In the evening, they still haven't found anything and finally give up. The man receives another message from his son: "Dear Father, I'm glad that you want to move on after Mom's death. Work and family prevent me from visiting you right now, but after the recent visit of the authorities your garden should be dug over and ready for renewal. That's the best I could do at the moment. Love, your son."
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
I’ve been having the most difficult time figuring out what audio system to put in my car.
I hate making decisions based on stereotypes.
One day, little Bobby’s parents decided to have sex
So to get him out of the house they tell him to go to the balcony and count the number of red cars on the road, Bobby says sure and goes out. After they've finished having sex they call him inside and ask him " So how many red cars did you see?", Bobby says " I didn't see any red cars but I found out our neighbours Mr and Mrs Smith were fucking" his dad laughs and says "That’s funny, did they leave the curtains open?” In return, Bobby says out loud, "No I saw their son on the balcony counting red cars"
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.
I have some jokes about unemployed people.
But I know they won't work.
A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.
He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?" Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help." Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?" Officer: "On average, about two gallons."
Found this scrolling through my insta. Not screaming boomer but definitely boomer esq humor.
https://ift.tt/2NiAtSj
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
I’m so happy I don’t drive
Especially with all this car owner virus going around
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
-Dad, can I wash the car with you?
-I don't know son, why can't you just use a sponge?
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me to masturbate in the cup.
I said: "Well I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete yet."
Here is a piece of cucumber and Monster energy, go nuts!
Here is a piece of cucumber and Monster energy, go nuts!
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. get an A in math?
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.