He couldn’t help himself…
Arab boomer humor
Free MAGA hats
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology." – Edit: This is not my joke
In the boomer world, even the fish have Squidward noses
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee
There was a kidnapping at my sons school
It's ok though, he woke up.
TB or not TB
Found this in my History Book
I broke two of my dads Queen records…
Now I want to break three.
I finally told my friend I have been sleeping with his mom…
I have been sleeping with my best friend's Mom now for many years. It has really torn me up as I am pretty sure he suspects it but is something we have never talked about. We have been really good friends now for 20+ years. I feel even worse because of how much he as looked up to me and how much I have helped him through. At this point there is no way I can break it off with his mother. Finally I have decided to tell him over dinner and drinks and I invite his mother to come. I was holding her hand under the table the whole meal (since she sat on my side). We finish the food and I finally just come out and say it: John, I have been sleeping with your mother for the past 20+ years, I don't want it to ruin our friendship. John just looks at me for a solid minute and finally says: Jesus Dad I kind of figured that one out for myself!
Someone called me average today.
My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she’ll get stuck in them.
I said, “You’ll come around eventually.”
At least she has a good sense of humor?
Let’s cut to the chase
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. 😀
How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?
Give it a badge and a gun
As in: They stormed in unasinous force…
How literally every discussion between frontend and backend web devs looks like
Backend & Frontend relation.
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
What’s all this nonsense about nothing flying at Gatwick airport.
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
Now that’s a site for sore eyes
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh
Nothing, it's on the house Edit: found out I accidentally reposted. Sorry people but happy holidays
My grandparents have an interesting toilet paper roll
It was indeed posted by a female boomer
My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler…
Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back.
Women bad (from Russian Boomers with love) [translated]
Einstein publishing Relativity Theory in 1915.
Why did the melon have a traditional wedding?
Because it cantaloupe.
what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
Well this is awkward
Umbrellas = Slavery
I shouldn’t laugh but…
What do you get when you cross Father’s Day and Cake day?
Extra Karma… I hope.
My sister called my dad today to ask if there’s any history of glaucoma on his side of the family.
My dad: “None that I’ve seen!”
I don’t hate ALL of the periodic table.
Just elements of it
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
Be prepared to accept an exciting opportunity in the future
Only one type of person who thinks this is funny enough to put on their car
Tommy got no chill
Harry Potter has way too many characters…
Even J.K. Rolling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
Today I met the underwater spy
His name was James Pond
My god, this is out of control
I once paid $20.00 to see Prince perform
But I partied like it was $19.99
What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
Best way to enter a phone number
Every single time
“At least I’m still getting money from the NRA.”
Trump Death Panels
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden