He deserves it more than us
“Why are you driving so slow, ma’am?” The old lady replies, “Because it’s the speed limit, don’t you see the signs?” The cop says, “Those aren’t speed limit signs, it actually says you are on Highway 35.” The cop notices her three passengers look absolutely terrified. “What’s wrong with them?” the cop asks. The old lady answers, “Not sure, they’ve looked like that since I got off Highway 109.”
My husband has been making a lot of pizza lately. He ferments the dough and I have been naming each batch with a pun. The current batch is Yeast Lightning. I texted my dad and asked him to help me think of some new names. He texted back "Just rise to the occasion."
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
The first one says: I only get laid on my birthday and holidays! It really sucks, man. The second one laments: I don’t even get that! I don’t even remember the last time I got laid. They turn to the third one and ask: John, how about you? John scratches his head and says: Me? I get laid almost everyday. The first two are dumbfounded. ALMOST EVERY DAY? They ask. John says: Yeah. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Almost on Wednesday….
Now he makes deadjokes.
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
"Doris" "Doris who?" "Doris locked, that's why im knocking."
“Are you having a crisis ?”
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger – 2.99 Cheeseburger – 3.99 Chicken Sandwich – 4.99 Hand Jobs – 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger
He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laughs and continues to finish his drink. No more than 5 minutes pass, when the Irish man who left earlier, walks back into the pub and says, " I'd like to take ye challenge." The American laughs, buys the 10 shots for the Irish man and shows him the cash. Quickly the Irishman slams all 10 shots with ease. Astondished, but a man of his word the American gives the Irish man the $1,000 and says, "I just have one question, where the hell did you go?" The Irish man laughs and says, "Oh Aye jus went to the pub across the street to see if aye could do it."
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
… for putting her hair in a bun.
One goes ba dum tiss, the other is da bum kiss.
When I was a kid, I told my mother I wanted to be a drummer in a rock and roll band when I grew up and she said…
"Well honey, you can't do both."
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, “What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink.”
So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know…" he says to the gorilla."We don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old
George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise. On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought – who could it be ? Then the doorbell rang again. He got up and walked up to the door. As he opened the door, he was greeted by this young bombshell blonde, donned in a sexy little red dress with matching red lipstick and red heels. As he says Hi, she replies – Are you George ? He says- Yes, I am. She says – I am from SuperSex. George pauses for a minute. And then says nonchalantly, I'll have the soup please.
It's finger licking good
So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question
(Long joke, continues in body) Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below. Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist… yet no one before Sam had ever reached one. And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note… And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings. And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter… until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal… until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful… it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there. Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam. The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated. The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”
because it was soda-pressing
A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind! He walks into the first pub he sees and is greeted by the bartender. The bartender says, "Hey there, what can I do you for?" The Swede, eager to take his English for a spin in this new country, orders his favorite drink: "I'll take a yin, please!" The bartender grows visibly upset. "Yin? Yin?! What the hell is that? You're another one o' them lousy immigrants coming through that don't know no good English. Get outta here and don't come back till you can order a drink proper!" The Swede leaves, feeling distraught, and instead finds work and lodging, putting the drink aside for now. Every night when he returns home from work, he practices his English in the mirror. "Yin. Yin. Yyy…inn. Jyinn. Jjjiiinn. Gyiin. Giin. Gin. Gin! Gin! GIN!" After weeks of practice, he's ready. The Swede goes back to that same bar he entered when he first arrived in America. The bar tender recognizes him immediately. "Hey, it's you again!" he yells. "I thought I told you to–" But the Swede raises a hand and calmly interrupts. "Yes, I know. I would like to order a gin, please." The bar tender is speechless! A smile grows on his face, and he says, "well, would you look at that? You've learned quite a bit! Alright, I'll get you that gin, sure thing. What would you like it with?" The Swede answers, "yinyerale!"