HE DID NOT
What do you get when you fall sick at an airport?
Terminal Illness
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. āI want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, youāll have lost at least five pounds.ā When the blonde returns, sheās lost nearly 20 pounds. āWow, thatās amazing!ā the doctor says. āDid you follow my instructions?ā The blonde nodsā¦ āIāll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day." āFrom hunger, you mean?ā said the doctor. āNo, from skipping,ā replied the blonde.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
The only date I have for Valentineās Day
Is February 14th.
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says… Hair Spray ā Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.
Please laugh
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
If āwomb is pronounced āwoomā, ātombā is pronounced ātoomā, then then shouldnāt ābombā be pronounced
āBOOMā I hope that blew your minds
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it…
So I bought her a candle…
Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
My tailor really likes fixing my clothes
Or sew it seams
A friend of mine said to me the other day “What rhymes with Orange?”
I said "No it doesn't."
Dogs canāt operate MRI scanners.
But Catscan.
Whatās the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm…
The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie." "Ummm… okay…" the guy says, skeptical. "What for?" "Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell you!" So the guy leaves and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. He tells the doctor his stomach pain is even worse. The doctor tells him to drop his pants and bend over. The guy does. Next thing you know, the doctor is shoving the banana up his ass. "The hell do you think you're doing!?" the man screams. "You want my help, or don't you?" His stomach is aching, so he clenches his fists and lets the doc proceed. The doctor shoves the banana all the way up his ass. And then looks at his watch for ten minutes. Then she shoves the cookie up his the man's ass too. The man is shaking badly from pain. The doctor tells him to come back tomorrow and bring a banana and a cookie. "Again!?" "You want my help, or don't you?" So the guy goes away and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. The exact same thing happens. This time the man is shaking and crying by the end of it. The doctor tells him to come back the next day with a banana and a cookie. "You want my help or don't you?" the doctor says, cutting off the man's protests. So once again, the guy returns, and gets a banana, and ten minutes later, a cookie shoved up his ass. He's sobbing by the end of it. But this time the doctor tells him, "Tomorrow, bring a banana and a hammer." "Oh God! What the hell are you going to do to me now!?" the man says, and he leaves sobbing. But the next day, he returns with a banana and a hammer. The doctor tells him to drop his pants, and once again he shoves the banana up the man's ass. Then he waits. Ten minutes later, the tapeworm pops his head out of the man's butthole. "Hey! Where the fuck's my cookie!?" BAM!
What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?
They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girlās mother lives downstairs.
The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs. āMomma, Momma,ā she cries. āI canāt believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?ā The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, āHair on his chest? Heās your husband, itās your wedding night, go upstairs.ā When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother: āMomma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?ā The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: āHair on his legs? Heās your husband, itās your wedding night, go upstairs.ā The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs: āMomma, Momma! Heās got a foot and a half! What should I do?ā The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says: āA foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. Iāll go upstairs.ā
My wife was complaining that I treat like her a child.
So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
I bought a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Why can’t you have a nose that’s 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he āfellā
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
AĀ BrrrrGrrrrr
My idea of a professional Hide and Seek tournament failed miserably.
Good players are hard to find.
Why did the perverted cat get arrested?
Because he got caught watching kitty porn.
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?
Editļ¼Wow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
My wife said that I should start paying more attention to whatās going on around me.
Iāll try harder in 2018.
My penis is like a joke on reddit..
People seeing it for the first time usually laugh. And those who have seen it before get mad that theyāre seeing it again.