He doesn’t get worked up over the small things. He’s a Buffett.
light em up
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
An old man was sitting next to a kid
And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack… So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate? So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old -And you think it's because he ate chocolate? -No, it's because he minded his own business.
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back…
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help. A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?” “No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
You ever hear the one about the bad meat carver?
Yeah me either, he couldn't make the cut.
They both call him “Uncle Lev”.
What do you call a T-rex that sells guns?
A small arms dealer!
M. Sc. = Man of Science?
Coffee is essential
When the Linux administrator needs more details.
How meta can we get
I guess the present is an iPad
Ha, ha, blonde is stupid, ha, ha
Nobody’s knows more about border disputes than me.
Quarantine memes be like
His Twitter feed is a crazy gold mine this morning
He looks better with every Trump tweet.
Breaking News: Vandals broke into the Origami Museum last night
Will keep you posted as the story unfolds.
Doctor: Hi, my name is Juan, and I’ll be delivering your baby.
Dad: OB Juan, you’re our only hope.
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
Dancing Drug Zombie
I would hate to have a gay dad
I would rather have two
Ain’t that the truth
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, “I’m looking for a turn-off.”
I said, “I repost jokes on Reddit.”
My father in law did well tonight.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
How does a cowboy start his day?
How many great discoveries you have thought of sitting on the debugging chair
I have a friend who is a transgender atheist.
They are a she now, but they were a heathen.
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'
Dung Cannon is what they used to call me in highschool
Tenth time’s the charm
I gave all my dead batteries away today…
Free of charge
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
The sad truth
I thought he had already destroyed ISIS
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing…
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks. The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano. “Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!” He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.” The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!” All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky. The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!” The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
There! I fixed it . Everyone back to work !!
When people don’t believe you that C is still used
I accidentally joined a Facebook group rife with boomers
HaVe YoU tRiEd BlOcCcHaIn ?
My grandpa’s facebook post….
There is another
I asked a young pretty homeless woman if I could take her home?
She smiled and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.
Poor kitty.. happy possum.
When input validating is too much effort
haha phone bad
Imagine how much more advanced we’d be if we hadn’t lost all that code…
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. I got off pretty easy…
You guys go on without me.
I was so thankful to come across a man selling his junk in the middle of the desert.
But it turned out to be a mirage sale.
Panzerfaust incoming! Got lube?
Precautions for Coronavirus
You can’t be that dumb, right?