HE FREAKING MEANS IT
What did Cinderella say when her photos got lost in the mail?
"I wonder when my prints will come…"
Years ago, I had a job translating pre Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
I used to be heavily addicted to soap…
Don’t worry, I’m clean now.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man." "No," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer.
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, “Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?” She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner
She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
Today I was at the bank when two man came in with masks…
Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.
I knew this butcher who accidentally backed into his meat grinder
He got a little behind in his work
What Donald Ducks drug of choice?
Quack cocain
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.
An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability
Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band…
But I quit as it was just one ting after another…
6:30 is my favorite time. Hands down.
No text found
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
My son: Dad, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, ”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom. The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed. She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came in silently………. He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his dick, got on top of her and fucked her like there was no tomorrow. When he finished and while he was still panting, the wife said, "You didn’t fcuking expect to find me in this bed did you!!” and switched on the light. “No madam”, said the gardener.
I hear you’re hunting the Loch Ness monster.
May not be Nessie-ssary, but Beast of Loch to you!
I’ll never forget my Dad’s final words
"Son, toss me that hatchet"
My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
Create new password: Tomato
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
Why can’t you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
DEEPFIRED: Australian PM Scott Morrison known as Scomo caught taking another break
https://ift.tt/2ZJgQaV
Today my doctor told me I was colorblind.
The results came completely out of the purple…
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke
When you replace the b with a d
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Men can be Feminists, too.
I used a penny stamp to mail a love note. But instead of writing it, I only sprayed it with my favorite cologne.
With a cent, I sent a scent.
If I were American, I’d vote Bernie…
But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away… Wait a sec, only 21 years ago, in the USA.
https://ift.tt/348RRPF
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.