He GaY
I just saw a documentary on beavers.
Best dam show I've ever seen.
I renamed my IPod to Titanic.
It’s syncing.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support around here, people are gonna think we’re nuts!
I just turned 18 so now I shouldn’t need my glasses anymore
I’m still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. "Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."
Whenever I undress in the bathroom..
My shower gets turned on.
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
Three girls die and go to heaven…
They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."
Procrastination is like masturbation…
It feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtedly the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn ~-leaves-
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!” Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi
Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”
I had to quit my last job, all I did was test soft drinks
It was just soda grading
A Nazi walks into a bar
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there." As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar "Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman. Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"
If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs,
I'd have a pound.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
You know, one would have been enough.
Stop looking at Reddit and get a piece of paper and write the second last letter of the alphabet.
If you do it you'll see why.
A 3 year old boy examined his testicles in bath
“Mom” He asked “ Are these my brains” “Not yet” She replied
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
I’m gonna start a cocaine delivery service
I'll call it instagram
One of my favourite words in the English language is “frequently”.
I try to use it as often as possible.
![A wrong turn on the water cycle [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/uwdt5iu2pc441-400x530.jpg)
My mate said he’d seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.
"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"
A bunch of electricians threw a party
It was lit
A guy asked a girl in a university library…
…"Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.
Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.
Damn girl are you a reddit user?
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!
What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?
A re-seeding airline…
My girlfriend just admitted she was having an affair with our teacher.
I don't know what's worse, that I'm being cheated on or the fact we're both homeschooled.
I have started freezing different objects at -273.15°c and blowing them up. Seeing with items reacted differently.
I call it the 0k boomer experiment.
I just flew in from a Transformers convention
And boy are my arms tires
Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door
A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy “No, they went in to town.” The boy replied “Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked “No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
I know a good eye doctor when I see one.
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Why didn’t Dwayne Johnson’s downstairs neighbor recognize him?
Because he’s been living under a rock.