He ha,
It’s not really a meme, and not really science, but it deserves to be in here.
https://ift.tt/2t6a9nD
So two aliens find their way to earth
They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
No, I don’t know where most things are on the map!
I've never been good at geometry.
The roof is not my child
But I will raise it.
Doctor: I’m terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.
Me: I can't believe this is happening. Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son? Me: … I'll tell him. [Later at home, sitting down with son] Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
Do you know what they call the security guards at Samsung?
Guardians of the Galaxy
No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”
The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.
Hey, can I get some feedback on my joke?
*Makes a high-pitched screeching sound*
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.
He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.” The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”
My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up…
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
What’s better than Ted Danson?
Ted Singin and Dancin
If you’re going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate…
By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights. That's all!
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue
Post Malone just suspended his tour.
That makes him Postponed Malone.
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat
I’ve had a stiff neck all day
Yesterday I ate a clock
It was very time consuming, especially when i went back for seconds
I was being shown around a house. “What are the dimensions of this room?” I asked the guy.
He said, "Height, width, and length."
Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it
Dad
https://ift.tt/2DsYG33
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
It’s just a curd to me.