He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink. “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender. “That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies. The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole. “Oh God. I’m sorry. Here — your first two are on me.” He hands the man two bottles of beer. “Thank you, I appreciate that.” The man and his dog make their way to a table near the front door and he grabs a seat. A little while later, another man enters the bar with a chihuahua. The first man stops him: “The bartender is going to give you shit about your dog. Tell him it’s your seeing-eye dog and he’ll feel so bad that he’ll buy your first few rounds!” “Thanks!” replies the second man. He wanders up to the bar and orders a beer. “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t allow dogs in here.” “It’s my seeing-eye dog.” The barender’s face wrinkles into confusion. He says, “Ehhh, I don’t think so. They don’t make seeing-eye dogs out of chihuahuas.” “FUCK! They gave me a chihuahua?!”
I now live in constant fear
"Doris" "Doris who?" "Doris locked, that's why im knocking."
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its dirty language but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot flies out, lands on his perch, and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness." The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask – what did the chicken do?"
He just can’t part with it.
Because it's a contact sport.
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, “You know, people living in Denver can’t be buried there” and I look at him and ask him “Why?”
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
Denim denim denim Denim denim denim
It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.
I won't miss you.
from being crushed by a giant crab.
*Makes a high-pitched screeching sound*
He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.
Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!
Tom: holding a cup Do it to my tea! Magician: waves hand Done! om: holding a cup It didn't work
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said "It didn't work out." She told me to be more specific so I said "I just told you, she didn't exercise."
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
A paragraph, because he's only a short ese.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.