He has already bean through his sh**
*Dad hands Son a phone* Dad: "Ok, now just call someone." Son: "Why can't you do it?" Dad: "Because that would be a daddial."
But then I was born.
I mean, on the one hand, yes, but on the other hand, no.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
She must be homeless.
I gotta hand it to him.
It’s not stroganoff.
I said "6' 2", but good guess."
They are always up to something.
They’d be alloys!
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
Because he never finished his sentences…
Dad: "that would be just like you".
Hindsight will be 2020.
So when he drove by people would say, “Look at that escargot!” You’re welcome.
He was just fulfilling his civic doodie.
In little knotsies
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.
He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
“Well son…you see that man with no arms sitting over there? Tell him to clap.” “Mom! I’m blind.” “Exactly.”
We just clicked. I am sorry. So, so sorry…
Because they’re straight up with each other.
Because as soon as you take the dog home it makes a bolt for the door.
It doesn't last long for fat people.