He hates us all
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
He was a neck romancer.
but I heard it's whiskey buisness.
A pregnant woman who is expecting triplets walks into a bank, while she is in there a robber walks in and shouts for everyone to get down on the ground, the woman is too slow so the man shoots her 3 times and runs away from the scene. The woman survives, and the doctor told her that in 12 years, each of her children will have to pass the bullet. So in 12 years, her 1st son walks up to her and says ‘mum I’ve just peed out a bullet’ so she tells him the story.Her Daughter then walks up and says the same, so again the mother tells the story.Then her 3rd son walks up to her and says ‘mum you’ll never guess what’ which she replies with ‘let me guess you peed out a bullet’ which he replies with ‘no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog’.
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me …" The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …" St. Peter: "The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room Jeffery Epstien didn't kill himself laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Dress her up as a choir boy.
Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
The Stern- Liouville operator
I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods, the golfer.” “Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.”
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
But then i turned myself around.
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror. The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
It must have been the delivery.
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
Kid: "Is it real or fake?" Me: "Fake." Kid: "Of course, and what about the plant?"
Have an awesome 2016! ❤️
The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits. The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal. “You have to put all ten up your butt without making a noise or we’ll execute you.” The man had no choice, so he starts putting the apples up his buy and gets to 4 before the pain is too much and he screams. The tribe executed him. The 2nd guy comes back with berries. They tell him the same thing. He gets to 9 and is about to put the 10th in when he starts laughing hysterically. Executed. The 1st and the 2nd guy are in the afterlife talking. The 1st says to the 2nd, “Why’d you laugh? You were so close?” And the 2nd guy says “Well, I saw the third and he had pineapples.”
It was about time too! badoom chaaaa
They never get any green cards.
If it isn't autocorrect
Everybody knows Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
I find them quite re-markable.
A millenial falcon
Turn off the lights.
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
"No" said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?" "No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied: "Go look in the garage."
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.