He he ho ho
It was sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders..
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
or maybe not.
And says "A beer please and one for the road."
It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time
I don’t know y
Gravity: notices your buldge Proto star: Blushes
….really give me the crêpes.
If Pac-Man had affected us, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
Fine, suit yourself.
No text found
Icy dead people.
…but he’s good people…
You won’t get a weigh with this!
He's a small arms dealer.
Americans really do hate the metric system.
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
I guess shift happens.
Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”
My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.” I snickered, “Oh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”
She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
Condescending means to talk down to someone.
Unfortunately, she blew it!
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
I know that we all have different views and argue a lot on reddit, but here’s something we have in common.
People who are reading this are on the same page.
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.” I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens. And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”