He is a good guy
I’ve just found a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake 🍰!!! 😂
My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing…
Probably because it's a Dell
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones ,while the people of Abu Dhabi do.
Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???
I just got kicked out of another funeral home…..
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
It’s f*cking close to water.
Courtesy of my youngest child – why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway. My youngest son thought of this all by himself…he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
What did the burger say to the bun?
I'll meat you in the middle.
I’m a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)
Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me… Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once. So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids to read. Real boring stuff, really. So she cracks one open and starts reading in a monotone. A few minutes later, I'm bored out of my mind. Then, suddenly, she reaches over and starts jacking me off. Bam! Instant fountain. "That was great, but how'd you know that was gonna work?" I asked her afterwards. "Oh, it was easy. Just had to turn you off and on again."
What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws ?
Outlaws are wanted.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same.
They must have been itentacle twins.
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton…
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one. Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.
Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.
Why are priests bad at marathons?
Because they always come in a little behind
My kid asked today where I learned to make ice-cream
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My dad said if he see me browsing reddit again, he’ll smash my head to the keyboard
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with buying condos?
He had an apartment complex.
Who decided to call them “murder hornets”
and not “buzzkills”?
It’s hard to believe March 12th is already National Pancake Day!
It really crêped up on us this year didn't it!
I hope she realises that ‘R’ is constant in the equation but not her boyfriend
https://ift.tt/2tQe5ZT
After being single for ages, my best mate said, “Can I set you up?”
I said, "Go on then" Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
What can the coronavirus do that the us government can’t?
Stop school shootings