he is gonna crash and this guy is gonna laugh
Insert joke here
Insert punchline here
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' … She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started..
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.
A doctor came to greet him. "Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked. "I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied. "Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital." "I'm not a president. I'm an airport."
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.
I was having a good day until I stopped to pet a duck in the park….
Now I'm feeling a little down.
“Knock Knock”
Who's there? "Yah" Yah who? ".com"
An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven….
He asks God, "How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve." God doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".
The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, “We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line.”
A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!" A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, "B&Q nails: they hold anything!" The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!" Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, "We should have used B&Q nails!"
I’ll never forget my dogs last words…
“You took too much acid.”
Doo Wop singer Dion used to jog on a full tuxedo…
He called it his Run-around suit
Vegetarians are like parallel lines…
They never meat.
I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought
“I can't turn that down.”
What’s the difference between the clitoris and a can of Bud Light?
The clitoris only tastes like piss for the first few seconds.
Trumpets and Guns
n a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Nobody knew who the Iranian general was a few days ago…
He just kinda blew up
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I’m 72% jesus.
I'm also 100% in prision.
By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
I was going to make a Corona virus joke
But I would feel guilty if anyone got it.
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
Why do gay people keep smiling?
They can’t keep a straight face
A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin
Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone. A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s loading the penguin up. “Just what do you think you’re doing with that penguin?” The officer demands “I haven’t a clue what to do with him I just saw him on the side of the road and figured I’d pick him up” The man replied “Well I suggest you take him straight to the zoo!” The officer suggested. So the man agrees and takes off heading toward the zoo. The next day the officer is at his post when he sees the same guy in the same car driving by with the same penguin. He immediately hits the flashers and pulls the man over. “Hey pal I thought I made it clear yesterday to take this penguin straight to the zoo!” The officer stated “Yeah we did that yesterday, today I’m taking him to the ball game”
What is a weightlifter’s favorite city?
Gainesville
Why is a minnow always the first suspect for a crime?
Because he's always a little fishy
Next time your wife is angry, give her a towel as cape.
Then say : now you are super angry! She might laugh.. you might die.
My daughter keeps complaining that I’m too nosy
Or at least that's what I read in her diary
An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar.
I know because they told everyone within two minutes.
My wife and I just found out she’s pregnant with our first child.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book. "I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you." "Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you." "Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father… No… I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son." "Dad… I don't know what to say… I'm honoured…" "Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
I’m proud of my son, I never thought he’d go so far
The catapult worked well
Shot my first turkey today..
scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
If you ever feel your job is meaningless…
Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's
I’m starting a charity about teaching maths to midgets…
I'm calling it "making the little things count"
Joke
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” – We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door.
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second." The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."
A man goes to his boss and says, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off.” When the man returned to work the next day, his boss came to his desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy Or a girl?” “Not sure,” said the man, “but I’ll let you know in about 9 months.”
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers