He is not wrong, I guess
Yes i masturbate fully naked
if you dont like it, go to another starbucks
Alabama currently has the highest rate of adultery.
It's the state of affairs.
What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?
Apparently, keeping it to yourself.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones ,while the people of Abu Dhabi do.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise…’
They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.
Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.
Balls have got to be one of the oldest toys.
They’ve been ‘round a long time.
The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock
Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?
Because he hated capitalism.
Why did The Rock break up with his girlfriend?
Because she took him for granite.
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?
A dead centipede
Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think of a solution in silence.
What do you call a cow in a band?
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. He’ll be a great dad one day.
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Well actually it's more of a wrap.
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started counting, “Uno, Dos…”
But then he disappeared without a Tres….
People say Facebook knows more about us than we do
Facebook still thinks I have friends.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8.
What I if told you
You read the title wrong
“The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary,” the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, “You can’t be squeamish.” He then stuck his finger in his mouth.
The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger." The class was horrified. Some of them threw up. "The third thing you should know" the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase "is that I don't work here." "And the fourth thing you should know," said the man lying on the table with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead."
What’s it called when Batman doesn’t go to church?
Christian bail
So there’s a deaf accountant who works for the mafia.
One day, the kingpin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator. "Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the kingpin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars missing, the boss wants to know where it is" Deaf man signs over to the translator, "What? I have no idea what he's talking about" The translator says to the boss, "Boss, he says he doesn't know what you're talking about". Boss says to the translator "I'm gonna ask one more time. Where is the money?" The translator says to the deaf accountant, "He's asking one more time, where's the money?" Deaf man reiterates to the translator through the sign, "Seriously, I don't know what he's talking about!" The translator says to the Boss, "He says he seriously doesn't know what you're talking about" The boss is now infuriated. He slams his fist down on the table and points a gun to the accountant's head. He tells the translator, "TELL THIS MOTHER FUCKER I WILL BLOW HIS BRAINS ALL OVER THIS DESK IF HE DOESN'T TELL ME WHERE THE MONEY IS RIGHT FUCKING NOW" Translator signs to the accountant "Ok he's dead serious. You better tell him where the money is, or he's going to kill you right here" Accountant signs to the translator, "OK! OK! I'll tell you! I hid it in a briefcase underneath my deck!" Mafia Boss asks, "Well, what did he say?!" Translator says, "Well, boss, he said go fuck yourself"
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I’m charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!
No text found
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
Husband to wife. ”Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm.”
Wife, “I don’t like calling you at work.”
Create new password: Tomato
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
Why can’t Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
I like my women like i like my computer
Turned on On my lap Virus free
What do you call an amphibian that goes to space?
An Astronewt
Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.
A woman is having an affair while her husband is at work
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." The boy says "I have a baseball." The man says "That's nice." Boy asks "Want to buy it?" Man replies "No, thanks." Boy says "My dad's outside." Man "okay, how much?" Boy "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy "Its dark in here." Man "Yes, it is." Boy "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy "$750? Man "fine" A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy ~ "$1,000?" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost." "I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
Think you’re having a bad day? At least you’re not this guy texting his boss…
https://ift.tt/2wG4vKf
Why does Reddit have 2 d’s?
The second one is a repost….