He is the chosen one
Knock knock. Who’s there? Etch. Etch who? I'm sorry, did you sneeze? Bless you.
The secret service aren’t allowed to yell “GET DOWN” anymore if the president is about to be attacked.
Instead they say, “DONALD, Duck!”
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
She was eaten by a giant crab
The British general called one of his men over. “Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.” “Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches. “See, British soldiers are the bravest.” “That’s nothing” said the Russian General “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.” “Da, Comrade General!” The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. “Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.” He calls one of his men over. “Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!” Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says “Go fuck yourself, General.” “See! Now that takes some real balls!”
Except the worms, they came in apples.
because I am not included in anything 🙁
He is fine. He woke up
Of course, if he’s a billionaire.
A Rain Bow tie.
Because they have 2 Shifts…
It becomes egg sighted
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What's that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "How big are the cats!?"
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
I mean, on the one hand, yes, but on the other hand, no.
It's what he would have wanted…
Because she couldn't ketchup
He said ‘can I see your ticket please?’ ‘Not right now, I’m having a shit’ I shouted back. ‘I don’t believe you, can you slide it under the door?’ He snapped back annoyedly ‘Sure thing, no problem. The yellow bits are sweet corn’ I said
But math puns make me feel number
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".
It’s a total rip-off
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.
Because they have snow-caps!
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
Because Fuck U, that's why.
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.