He is the chosen one
Bad knock-knock joke #3
Knock knock. Who’s there? Etch. Etch who? I'm sorry, did you sneeze? Bless you.
The secret service aren’t allowed to yell “GET DOWN” anymore if the president is about to be attacked.
Instead they say, “DONALD, Duck!”
I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab
During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.
The British general called one of his men over. “Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.” “Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches. “See, British soldiers are the bravest.” “That’s nothing” said the Russian General “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.” “Da, Comrade General!” The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. “Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.” He calls one of his men over. “Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!” Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says “Go fuck yourself, General.” “See! Now that takes some real balls!”
All the animals came to the Ark together. Even the insects came in pairs.
Except the worms, they came in apples.
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He is fine. He woke up
Can a woman make her husband a millionaire?
Of course, if he’s a billionaire.
What kind of tie does a cloud wear?
A Rain Bow tie.
Why do keyboards never sleep?
Because they have 2 Shifts…
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
Sex is like math
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What's that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "How big are the cats!?"
Why should you NEVER ask Rick Ashley for his complete collection of Pixar movies?
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with massive boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
I’m debating whether to write “YES” on my left hand and “NO” on my right hand.
I mean, on the one hand, yes, but on the other hand, no.
My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin
It's what he would have wanted…
Why did the tomato lose the race?
Because she couldn't ketchup
I was having a shit on the train when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said ‘can I see your ticket please?’ ‘Not right now, I’m having a shit’ I shouted back. ‘I don’t believe you, can you slide it under the door?’ He snapped back annoyedly ‘Sure thing, no problem. The yellow bits are sweet corn’ I said
English puns make me feel numb
But math puns make me feel number
“Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm”?
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".
Don’t buy anything with Velcro
It’s a total rip-off
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
Please don’t make any more jokes about the Coronavirus…
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.
Why do mountains never get cold?
Because they have snow-caps!
Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Inn by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
What do you call an epileptic emperor?
Julius seizure
TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.
Because Fuck U, that's why.
By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
