He killed her omg
Why does Frankenstein’s monster have such a good sense of humor?
Because he's always in stitches!
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
My friend said ALL comforters are too hot….
I told him that was a blanket statement.
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy.
Both feel really good until you look down and realize you're gay.
The U.S. Army is full of crybabies
That’s why we also call them the Infantry.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
Why is gum similar to guns?
If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.
Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up?
It’s all over town.
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A πthon.
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
How does a computer science major pick up girls?
Oh shit thought this was google
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff…
Baa-dum-tssss
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
I’m a cashew
It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
Got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” mixed up.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
My Girlfriend said last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”.
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.
The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted – "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?" The old man replied – "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson".
I tried to re-marry my ex wife
But she figured out I was only after my money.
When I was in kindergarten, I was so caught up in learning the names of all the numbers that I memorized them out of order.
I couldn't see the fours for the threes.
Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”