He looks a little too happy about the situation
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Me 2 weeks into 2024 (Tomorrow is March 1st)
Me 2 weeks into 2024 (Tomorrow is March 1st)
Roses are black, violets are black
I suck at gardening
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels
It's my new year's resolution
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer. “I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler. “Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman. So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”
Where do camels go on vacation
Notre Dame
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith. "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
As a doctor I never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
I got a bad thesaurus.
It was bad.
My friend begged me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said “It’s going to rain”. His wife asked “how do you know?”
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
(From a 6-year old) Why did Cinderella always lose at tennis?
Because her coach was a PUMPKIN.
I would avoid the sushi if I were you
it seems a little fishy
The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
Man asks the Waitress: “Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
The waitress slaps his face and answers really pissed: "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
2 fish in a tank. One says to the other,
How do you drive this thing
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta
Now it's a Ford Focus
Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they’re going to pay.
You have my word
Anyone want to help me make a TV show about Abraham Lincoln?
The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.
Do you know what the best way to build suspense is?
No text found
“Boss, I’ve got a probl..”
Boss: There’s no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities. Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools because we have class.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
A Mississippi.
1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri
My to doo list
Why was it called the dark ages?
Because of all the knights.
I’ve broken up with my gym.
Our relationship wasn't just "working out"
How to get rich
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:
-Which one of you fucked my wife??!! Some guy in the crowd says: – you should bring more bullets