He looks like he is lying.
Why do cows have hooves?
Cuz they lactose.
My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.
Me: Yes, twice, accidentally. Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower? Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.
What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size?
They were sole mates
The sperm clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in a cup
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because dawn is tough on Greece.
I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it.
Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.
Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?
Cause that's when the steaks are highest.
I’m fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana
But coccaine is where I draw the line
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones…
… but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooo!!
Do you speak Spanish?
A) No B) A little C) Señor
Two hillbillies walk into a restauarant
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head "NO". The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the food flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seen nobody done it.
A dyslexic man stormed Area 15
Authorities didn't press charges, saying "they felt bad" They thought a long sentence was the last thing he needed
Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?
She wanted the Task Manager.
I’m glad I’m good at making musical puns
Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.
I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.
Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graiins!
What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?
Catching all the chickens that had crossed it
I just made love to my girlfriend.
She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?” I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet. “Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.
My wife told me to stop obsessing over a certain footballer.
So I said, "I'm not at your Beckham call."
What do you call a werewolf youtuber?
A lycansubscribe!
I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?
A slice of blue cake!!!
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
If all ‘t’s were silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
I can’t believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts…
Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit too seriously?
At last I found some concrete IT support
https://i.imgur.com/xKsNWyA.png
A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians…
In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?" "Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered. They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off. That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding. The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex…" The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again. "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?" "Just bring me my horse." Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off. That evening the horse returned with a redhead. As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex. On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die. What do you want for your last wish?" "Just bring me my horse." With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth. The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"