He murdered it
Set your WiFi password to 24446666688888888
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Dad: Did I make myself clear?
Son: No, we can all still see you.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence
My 7 year old daughter
Driving home from my family's Christmas party. Daughter – Dad, on Friday I need some French fries. Me – confused..why?? Daughter – because it's Fry-day. So proud.
Three teenagers are walking along the side of a canal…
They notice some men in suits moving frantically around a drowning man. The three teenagers jump in and save the drowning person only to realize that it’s President Trump. Once everyone has recovered, the President thanks them for saving him. He offers each teenager one wish within his powers. The first teenager says that his father was wrongfully convicted and now sits on death row. Everyone knows it, but all of his appeals have been used up. His one wish is to have his father pardoned. Trump asks the kid for the name of his father and the pardon will be put through. The second teenager wants nothing more than to attend a military academy, like many other members of his family, but his grades aren’t good enough. Trump has the teenager give his information to one of the Secret Service agents and he’ll get into the academy of his choice. The third teenager asks to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Trump points out that this is a very unusual request. One of his friends is trying to save his father and the other wants to serve his country. Why is he asking for something so morbid? The teenager replies, “When my parents find out I saved you, they’re going to kill me.”
Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards?
Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀
Instructions on how to cure asthma, arthritis, ulcer, handicap, cancer with ultrasound
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4dwdjBJdW0
How do you turn a joke into a dad joke?
You make the punchline apparent.
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
I slept like a baby last night..
I spent half the night crying and then shit myself.
If the Americans change from pounds to kilograms overnight,
there will be mass confusion.
I wanted to be a monk…
But I never got the chants.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
Pen and paper is a great way to write stuff down, but I prefer using a whiteboard.
They’re just so remarkable…
My new girlfriend is so needy…
She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"
What do you call a prearranged rap battle?
A diss appointment.
A dwarf walks into a
A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass. The madam asks how she can help him. He says "I need a woman for mine has left me." The madam says "Whatever for? And what are the honeycomb and jackass for?" The dwarf says, "my wife found a genie that could grant her three wishes. For the first wish she asked for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb, the second wish she asked for the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this Jackass. The madam then asks "what about the third wish?" "She asked the genie for my cock to hang down past my knee." "That's not so bad." "Not so bad?" Spluttered the dwarf "I used to be 6 foot 3!"
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
I just ended a 5 year relationship
It’s ok though. Wasn’t my relationship.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
But you do need one to go skydiving twice
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s
I told him I knew a bit
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
Online coding bootcamp image vs reality
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awOI37Uvj0M&feature=youtu.be
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000
Mario: why? Judge: it's a fine Mario: [sadly] no itsa not
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
I left some change in my pants pocket
Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.
Won’t blame ya’ll if u don’t find the man on the right as familiar as u find his name.
https://ift.tt/2V491Ld
My landlord said he needed to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is…
I told him, "Anytime, my door is always open!"
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, your pizza will be round.”
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.
A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.
A Nike shoe factory burned down 🔥
1000 soles were lost.
Where do camels go on vacation
Notre Dame
Having gay parents must be the worst
Either you get twice the amount of dad-jokes, or you get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother".
Mom asked me why I deposited a pair of shoes into my bank account.
Me: "Well, you said my account should have a new balance. ;)"