He must have been one of the 15 people who were going to get it.
At an interview I was asked to describe myself in 1 word.
I said "good listener"
What do you call the child of 2 physicists?
The aftermath.
If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?
The Final Countdown
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Time will tell.
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?
Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4
You can tell Monopoly is an old game…
…because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
My wife is always threatening to harm me if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils…
but that’s a wisk I’m willing to take.
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
I saw a fat bird down the pub
And her T-shirt said – Watch out, I'm a maneater! I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan." She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!" I said "Actually no, I wasn't going to say that at all." She looked happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?." "That's not how you spell Manatee."
3 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
Two Women Were Playing Golf…
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright…I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”? The man looked up at her and replied, "That feels pretty good … but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Why did the butcher quit his job and become a cattle rancher?
He wanted to raise the steaks.
I recently got a Delorian but…
…I only drive it from time to time.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by LOOKING AT IT.
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.
Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer.
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
I made this fake boomer comic to mock people/boomers looking down on digital art
https://ift.tt/2JrUKmh
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar
One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”
I was yelling really loud into my colander
And I think I strained my voice.
A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!" The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story. The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!" The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something… umm … sadder?" The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up….. In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains…..
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,"I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." He replied,"Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car, and left.
I prefer to have my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
Why was it called the dark ages?
Because of all the knights.
If Iron Man was a woman…
Would we call her Fe-Male?
Why was the poor man selling yeast?
To raise some dough
I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my garage and he’s missing an eye…
I've named him Alen.
I don’t just play soccer cause I like the sport.
I’m just in it for kicks.
How many lemons grow on a tree?
All of them.