He never laughed harder in his life
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
I said I'd tell him later
You ever wonder if the reason Star Wars movies came out the order they came out was because Yoda was in charge of the release dates?
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Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out. "What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!" Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot." Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!" "Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…"
To slow geese down.
Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him “would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?”
Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’
So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
The doctor looked at my test results and said, “Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease.” I said, “How rare?”
He said, “You pick the name.”
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
I mean how low can you go!?