He really did
"You crossed the wrong guy."
The retail shop
What do you call a crappy lawyer? An a-turd-ney
I have a dad-a-base.
I think it’s just all in her head (I can’t believe it took me this long to find this subreddit, I love it! BTW first attempt at a dad joke!)
A lady had lost her husband almost two years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!" Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed and so did he. There she stood naked, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.
“Who was that?” asks his wife. “Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”
She turns to him and says, "Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian." He said: "That doesn't bother me any!" She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
What were the chances of that?
With my hands. OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”
Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Sorry I prefer Google.
It’s parents were in a jam.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
Because they lactose.
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
Police: “Open the door!” – Man: “I don’t want any balls!” – Police: “What? We don’t have balls!” – Man: “I know.”
Nothing they're fine
She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"
I cant seem to find a parking spot
Mistake. (My 7 yo daughter thought it up at the grocery today. Never been more proud.)
It always gives me butterflies.
And boy, are my arms Thor!
Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says…
"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder and asks, "Honey, please…just one more time, before I die." She says, "Of course, dear." and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…" At this point, the wife sits up and screams, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning…YOU DON’T!!!"
You can hide, but you cant run