He should stop, right?
Eminem is the first celebrity to be diagnosed with the corona virus
In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti
What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Peach gobbler.
[German] Und was ist, wenn der neue Rammstein-Song auf dem Index landet?
Dann kannst du ihn dir nur noch von der Ursula Leyen.
What did one French man say to the other French guy.
I don’t know. I don’t speak French.
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
I was having anal sex with my GF…
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend and suddenly her dad barged through the door and she screamed "Dad, I'm sorry!" Then he turned to me and asked, "Are you fucking Sorry?"
I’m sorry if this is a repost but I found this posted seriously on an account I enjoy.
https://ift.tt/2QXZSDr
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's different to the other jokes.
Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie…
…for Ash Wednesday.
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside of Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold! Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!
I’ll admit, I was wrong about how good my Chiropractor is.
I stand corrected.
I always wondered if Disney could pull off a good tiger villain.
They Shere Khan.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
You’re a Wizard, dad!
Emma Watson?
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
I was tortured by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
He was afraid of Capitalism.
I went to a restaurant and they served me hydrogen atoms cooked at millions of degrees.
They said that it was a fusion cuisine.
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”
Me: You pick. Her: You pick. Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick. Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
I was in New Mexico and a cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows.
I replied, "Yes of course, that'd be 20 cows."
After nearly three weeks of trying, my wife finally told me, “I’m pregnant!”
She really has the worst stutter ever.
Why is leather great for sneaking around?
Because it's made of hide!
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,
but on the other, it’s just not right.
A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.
He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?" Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help." Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?" Officer: "On average, about two gallons."
Did my girlfriend find me sexually unsatisfying?
A small part of me says yes.
TIL that before the crowbar was invented…
…most crows drank at home.
Did you know it’s easy to teach girls not to eat tide pods?
It's much harder to deter gents.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.
The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.