he took over it
Wanna here a joke about a broken pencil?
Never mind, it’s pointless…
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
if 666 is all evil
then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil
“Father, do you have anything to declare?”
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course you may. What can I do for you?” “Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”
I’m not wearing glasses anymore.
I’ve seen enough.
I can’t find my “Gone in 60 seconds” DVD
It was here a minute ago
My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now
New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey
I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
I was going to start an all cashew diet
But then I realized that’s just nuts…
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry…
In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank, where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
Knock knock / Who’s there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind it’s pointless.
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Why was the music teacher arrested?
He fingered a minor.
Me: It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up”
Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”
For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he’s been spat at, verbally abused, and punched…
God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday. Edit: Wow. Down voted on my actual 32nd birthday. So cruel.
A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.
Those kniving bastards.
Dolphins don’t have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
A French nobleman’s estate was destroyed during the French Revolution.
The results were château-strophic.
Batman
Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression." "Go on then" the second one says. "OK, here we go…" the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!" The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN" "Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."
Autocorrect…
Makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.
My child keeps saying small groups of words together
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
What do you call someone afraid of Santa?
Clausterphobic
I met a snooty dude at a party in Boston, and I asked him “Did you go to Harvard?”
He said, “Yale”. I said, “I SAID, DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?”
A man asks another man to lend him $10 until next pay day. The second man says “sure, here you go. when’s next pay day?”
“I don’t know, you’re the one with a job”